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=><= <h1 style="font-size:30px;">JAYMAN'S UNIVERSE</h1> <h1 style="font-size:20px;">created by JAYMAN</h1> (color: "green")[^^(cellphone optimised)^^] <== |start>[](if: $codename is 0)[(replace: ?start)[(display: "codename")]](else:)[(replace: ?start)[(display: "home")]]

[ ] =><= <h1 style="font-size:40px;">THE ADVENTURES OF JAYMAN</h1> <h1 style="font-size:30px;">Episode 1 : The Bank Robbery</h1> <h1 style="font-size:20px;">Written by "$Codename"</h1> <= (link: "SCENE 1")[SCENE 1. OUTSIDE A BANK. NARRATOR In a City that is in every way identical to the one you live in, JayMan, our Super Hero, is walking to the Bank! SHOT of JayMan entering a building. The door closes behind him, revealing the words "FOOD BANK", with a sign saying "Our Food Plan Interests are through the roof!".(show: ?SI)] |SI)[ (link: "SCENE 2")[SCENE 2. INSIDE THE FOOD BANK Behind the reception desk, a VOLUNTEER is minding its own business. The Volunteer looks exactly like you. Also, any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental! There's no one else in the place. JayMan walks straight to the counter (anyways, there's no where else to go, so!). (show: ?QI)]] |QI)[(link: "The Volunteer greets JayMan with a warming smile.")[(replace: ?QI)[VOLUNTEER //(with a smile as big as Walt Disney's legacy)// Hello there, my good friend. What can I do for you today?](show: ?SII)] (link: "The Volunteer ignores JayMan.")[(replace: ?QI)[JAYMAN Hi! The Volunteer is working on something and clearly doesn't notice JayMan's presence. JAYMAN Hum... Hello? VOLUNTEER Oh, sorry. I was working on something. I didn't notice you. How can I help you? SHOT of the Volunteer's computer screen, revealing that the Volunteer was in fact reading news on msn.com.](show: ?SII)] (link: "The Volunteer greets JayMan with a bad hair day attitude.")[(replace: ?QI)[VOLUNTEER Yeah, the fuck you want? JAYMAN Wow. Like I need this attitude today! VOLUNTEER Well, I've been working like, four thousand hours in the last week, no brake or nothing, so yeah, I'm cranky, so fuck you and tell me what you want.](show: ?SII)]] |SII)[JayMan puts a brown paper bag on the desk. JAYMAN I would like to deposit some food, please. (show: ?QII)] |QII)[(link: "The Volunteer responds with incredulity.")[(replace: ?QII)[VOLUNTEER You want to... deposit food!? JAYMAN Well, yeah? VOLUNTEER But... why? JAYMAN Because I have this food that is very important to me, and I want to protect it. VOLUNTEER Don't you have a fridge? Or a freezer?](show: ?SIII)] (link: "The Volunteer responds in a condescendant way.")[(replace: ?QII)[VOLUNTEER What are you, an idiot? This is a Food Bank, not a regular Money Bank. You can't deposit food! JAYMAN Well, how am I supposed to protect this food that is very important to me, smart ass? VOLUNTEER Put in a fridge, dumb ass! You know what a fridge is?](show: ?SIII)] (link: "The Volunteer responds in a friendly way.")[(replace: ?QII)[VOLUNTEER Look, my friend, this is not a regular Money Bank. It's a Food Bank. JAYMAN I know. That's why I came here to deposit my food! VOLUNTEER But you can't deposit food in a Food Bank. JAYMAN Then, how am I supposed to protect this food that is very important to me? VOLUNTEER Don't you have a fridge at home?](show: ?SIII)]] |SIII)[JAYMAN Of course, I do! I'm no idiot. But I don't want to keep my food cold, I want to protect it against robbers!(show: ?QIII)] |QIII)[(link: "The Volunteer takes pity on JayMan.")[(replace: ?QIII)[VOLUNTEER Oh, I see. Food robbers. How... menacing, and such. JAYMAN Oh, yeah, they really are! They sneak into your kitchen at night, and they snatch food straight out of your pantry, and sometimes even from the fridge. No one's safe. VOLUNTEER //(not believing a word of that)// Oh, I believe you!](show: ?SIV)] (link: "The Volunteer thinks that food robbers are only an urban legend, like the Yeti.")[(replace: ?QIII)[VOLUNTEER Come on, everybody knows that food robbers are only an urban legend, like the Yeti. Or Frank Sinatra. JAYMAN They are real, and I can prove it! VOLUNTEER Oh, can you? JAYMAN Oh, yes I can! VOLUNTEER //(not believing a single word)// Oh, ok then, I believe you!](show: ?SIV)] (link: "The Volunteer makes a clever pun.")[(replace: ?QIII)[VOLUNTEER Then maybe you should wrap your food in rubber! JAYMAN What? VOLUNTEER You want to protect your food from robbers... wrap it in rubber... it's a pun. JAYMAN I don't get it. VOLUNTEER Of course you don't. But I believe you, for the food robber stuff.](show: ?SIV)]] |SIV)[JAYMAN Thank you! VOLUNTEER Sadly, I can't help you to protect your food. JAYMAN Oh, really? Then what do you do at the Food Bank, Food Banker? VOLUNTEER Here, at the Food Bank, we give out food to poor people. JAYMAN You... give food? VOLUNTEER Yes. JAYMAN As in... free food? (show: ?QIV)] |QIV)[(link: "Yes.")[(replace: ?QIV)[VOLUNTEER Yes.](show: ?SV)] (link: "Hum hum.")[(replace: ?QIV)[VOLUNTEER Hum hum.](show: ?SV)] (link: "That's it.")[(replace: ?QIV)[VOLUNTEER That's it.](show: ?SV)]] |SV)[JAYMAN Like, no charge and all!?(show: ?QV)] |QV)[(link: "Exactly.")[(replace: ?QV)[VOLUNTEER Exactly. No charge. ](show: ?SVI)] (link: "You got it.")[(replace: ?QV)[VOLUNTEER You got it. No charge. ](show: ?SVI)] (link: "Absolutely.")[(replace: ?QV)[VOLUNTEER Absolutely no charge. ](show: ?SVI)]] |SVI)[JAYMAN You mean, like... I give you nothing, and you give me food in exchange?(show: ?QVI)] |QVI)[(link: "That's it.")[(replace: ?QVI)[VOLUNTEER That's the jist of it...](show: ?SVII)] (link: "Look...")[(replace: ?QVI)[VOLUNTEER Look, it's not complicated...](show: ?SVII)] (link: "Wow.")[(replace: ?QVI)[VOLUNTEER Wow, you're a fast learner...](show: ?SVII)]] |SVII)[JAYMAN And I don't have to pay for this food... (show: ?QVII)] |QVII)[(link: "No.")[(replace: ?QVII)[VOLUNTEER //(unnerved)// Not a penny.](show: ?SVIII)] (link: "No!")[(replace: ?QVII)[VOLUNTEER //(restraining violent fantasies)// Not a freaking penny!](show: ?SVIII)] (link: "No!!")[(replace: ?QVII)[VOLUNTEER //(agressively)// Not. A. Fucking. Penny!!](show: ?SVIII)]] |SVIII)[JAYMAN Like, when they say "Buy two items and get the third one for free" but I get the third one without buying the two first ones? (show: ?QVIII)] |QVIII)[(link: "Exactly.")[(replace: ?QVIII)[VOLUNTEER Exactly that and no other thing.](show: ?SIX)] (link: "I just don't...")[(replace: ?QVIII)[VOLUNTEER I just don't know how to tell you...](show: ?SIX)] (link: "Arrgh.")[(replace: ?QVIII)[VOLUNTEER Arrgh, I so need vacations...](show: ?SIX)]] |SIX)[JAYMAN Free like "Free Tibet", but with food instead of pissing of China?(show: ?QIX)] |QIX)[(link: "Bingo.")[(replace: ?QIX)[VOLUNTEER //(with way too much "enthousiasm")// BINGO!](show: ?SX)] (link: "Kill yourself!")[(replace: ?QIX)[VOLUNTEER //(trying to smile in a non-psychopathic-murderous way, and failing badly)// Yes, my good man, absolutely that and everything else... Hihi.](show: ?SX)] (link: "Gnnnnn...")[(replace: ?QIX)[VOLUNTEER //(twitching like when you have a itch that you absolutely cannot scratch because if you do, you die)// Gnnnnnnnn!](show: ?SX)]] |SX)[JAYMAN Wow... free food! Against any economical theory whatsoever! (show: ?QX)] |QX)[(link: "Bllbllbllbllb.")[(replace: ?QX)[VOLUNTEER Who cares about the economists!?](show: ?SXI)] (link: "Agagagaga.")[(replace: ?QX)[VOLUNTEER Who cares about the economists!?](show: ?SXI)] (link: "Pruitpruit.")[(replace: ?QX)[VOLUNTEER Who cares about the economists!?](show: ?SXI)]] |SXI)[JAYMAN Wow, I'll need a moment to think about it! VOLUNTEER Oh, do take your time. For a moment, JayMan ponders the intricacies of this convoluted conundrum. JAYMAN Just to be sure, this free food is free like the wind, right?(show: ?QXI)] |QXI)[(link: "...")[(replace: ?QXI)[(show: ?SXII)]] (link: "...")[(replace: ?QXI)[(show: ?SXII)]] (link: "...")[(replace: ?QXI)[(show: ?SXII)]]]|SXII)[The Volunteer stares blankly at JayMan. JAYMAN Well, it's decided. I'll take your free food!(show: ?QXII)] |QXII)[(link: "The Volunteer makes a joke.")[(replace: ?QXII)[VOLUNTEER Great. That'll be a hundred and fifty bucks. JAYMAN What? VOLUNTEER Just kidding! JAYMAN Well, you shouldn't play in such cruel ways with a human's feelings. VOLUNTEER Yeah, I guess you're right. I'm worse that Mussolini. Now, before I give you your food, I need to create your dossier.](show: ?SXIII)] (link: "The Volunteer goes on with the paper work.")[(replace: ?QXII)[VOLUNTEER Great. I just have to create your dossier, and then I'll give you your food. JAYMAN "Free" food! VOLUNTEER Yes, free! JAYMAN Free like Willy in "Free Willy"? VOLUNTEER Shut up!](show: ?SXIII)] (link: "The Volunteer has a sarcastic response.")[(replace: ?QXII)[VOLUNTEER Well, well, well, if you ain't the quick thinker! JayMan stares at the Void for a moment. JAYMAN Yes. VOLUNTEER Wow. Anyways, before I give you any food, I need to create your dossier.](show: ?SXIII)]] |SXIII)[JAYMAN //(with way too much excitment for paperwork)// Allright, dossier time! Let's do this! The Volunteer pulls out a form and a pen. VOLUNTEER Ok. Your name? JAYMAN JayMan. With a capital "M".(show: ?QXIII)] |QXIII)[(link: "The Volunteer is discouraged.")[(replace: ?QXIII)[VOLUNTEER Why do I always get the weirdos? JAYMAN I bet it's karma. It's always karma!](show: ?SXIV)] (link: "The Volunteer acts in a non-judgmental way.")[(replace: ?QXIII)[VOLUNTEER //(acting in a non-judgmental way, and failing miserably)// JayMan. That's... original! JAYMAN Thank you! I first thought of going with El Bandissimo Muertadito Extra Bellissimo, but it seemed a bit off color.](show: ?SXIV)] (link: "The Volunteer is no fun.")[(replace: ?QXIII)[VOLUNTEER I mean, your real name. JAYMAN Does it really matter? I mean, if you think about it, a name is only a label imposed on us by external forces like society and our parents. But it's just a label, a sound, waves in the air. And the moment I realized that, I decided to embrace the fact that my will is free, as free as the food you're going to give me, and so I chose my own label, and I do believe it's one of my most fundamental rights to be called however I want to and there's nothing no one can do about it! VOLUNTEER Oh, please God, help me. JAYMAN There is no God.](show: ?SXIV)]] |SXIV)[VOLUNTEER ... profession? JAYMAN Super Hero! (show: ?QXIV)] |QXIV)[(link: "The Volunteer makes fun of JayMan.")[(replace: ?QXIV)[VOLUNTEER Oh, so that's why you're wearing your underwears over your pants! JAYMAN Oh, that? No. It's a fashion statement. VOLUNTEER Fashion statement? More like a "flushing" statement! And what's your superpower? Dissipating all the intelligence in the room?](show: ?SXV)] (link: "The Volunteer acts like everyone else.")[(replace: ?QXIV)[VOLUNTEER Super Hero. That's fascinating, but I meant your "real" job, you know? Like astronaut, or doctor, or circus freak? JAYMAN Oh, you are sooooo like everyone else. "Super hero, that's not a real job, because a real job is not something cool that you can enjoy, meummeummeumeumeummeumeum"! VOLUNTEER I see. Then "circus freak" it is. JAYMAN Meummeummeummeummeumeum! VOLUNTEER Yep. "Circus freak". JAYMAN //(rolling on the floor)// MEUMMEUMMEUMMEUMEUMMEUM! VOLUNTEER Ok, let me just erase "circus"...](show: ?SXV)] (link: "The Volunteer makes a cultural reference.")[(replace: ?QXIV)[VOLUNTEER I used to be a Super Hero like you, but I took a Green Arrow to the knee! JAYMAN Nice one, but don't you mean Green Lantern? VOLUNTEER No. There's Green Lantern, but also a Green Arrow! JAYMAN //(with undeniably suspicious shifty eyes)// Oh! Oh yeah, I knew that, you know, being a Super Hero and all! And it would have made way less sense with a lantern!](show: ?SXV)]] |SXV)[ (link: "SCENE 3.")[SCENE 3. STILL INSIDE THE FOOD BANK. Suddenly, and without a warning, a masked man kicks the main door opened. It's a bank robber. We know that because he has a gun. And I'll call him ROBBER DE NIRO, because I can! ROBBER DE NIRO Everybody down, this is a robbery!(show: ?QXV)]] |QXV)[(link: "The Volunteer acts with cool.")[(replace: ?QXV)[VOLUNTEER What the hell? Why are you robbing a food bank? We give you the food, for free! ROBBER DE NIRO I know that! I just like the kick of stealing. And the kick of having food. So fill-out my bags! Robber de Niro throws two reusable bags on the counter, because he may be a robber, but he's also environmentally conscious! VOLUNTEER //(filling up the bags)// Well, that's not nice, and you should be ashamed of yourself! ROBBER DE NIRO //(pointing his gun to the Volunteer's face)// Yeah? Well, fuck you! VOLUNTEER That's it, you asked for it. There's a new Super Hero in town, and your ass is about to meet his foot! JayMan, attack!](show: ?SXVI)] (link: "The Volunteer panics.")[(replace: ?QXV)[VOLUNTEER //(panicking)// Oh my god, what do I do? What do I do!? ROBBER DE NIRO Just fill out my bags with food. It's easy! Robber de Niro throws two reusable bags on the counter, because he may be a stinking robber, but he's also very environmentally conscious! VOLUNTEER I can't fill your bags! I'm a trained dossier filler, not a trained grocery packer! ROBBER DE NIRO Oh, come on. Here, let me show you how it's done! VOLUNTEER No, wait, I have an idea. I'll let your ass be packed by the foot of this new cool Super Hero. JayMan, attack!](show: ?SXVI)] (link: "The Volunteer plays the hero.")[(replace: ?QXV)[VOLUNTEER Not on my watch! ROBBER DE NIRO You're not even wearing a watch! VOLUNTEER ... shut up! The Volunteer tries to bum rush Robber de Niro with a screeching war cry that sounds like a set of breaks that need to be changed since quite a while! Robber de Niro simply punches the Volunteer in the face. ROBBER DE NIRO See? You're no match to my candle. VOLUNTEER //(with a bleeding nose)// Well, your candle won't be any match for this new super cool Super Hero in town! JayMan, attack!](show: ?SXVI)]] |SXVI)[SHOT of where JayMan was a second ago. But there's no JayMan to be found there. VOLUNTEER What the hell? JayMan? JayMan!! ROBBER DE NIRO So, where's your so called Super Hero? (show: ?QXVI)] |QXVI)[(link: "The Volunteer has a preposterous answer.")[(replace: ?QXVI)[VOLUNTEER He's... out saving a little girl in the Super Collider. But he'll be back.](show: ?SXVII)] (link: "The Volunteer has a ludicrous answer.")[(replace: ?QXVI)[VOLUNTEER He's... in the backstore, doing ten thousand push-ups and kinesthetics to pump up for the upcoming epic fight!](show: ?SXVII)] (link: "The Volunteer has a nonsensical answer.")[(replace: ?QXVI)[VOLUNTEER He's... in the Realms of Humdeziak, gathering all the lesser Gods from the Army of Bruyft to come and kick your ass in the eleventh dimension!](show: ?SXVII)]] |SXVII)[JAYMAN //(from behind a miniature palm tree in the corner)// Yeah, that's where I'm at! The Volunteer looks at JayMan. JayMan stupidly waves at him. JAYMAN Hi! ROBBER DE NIRO //(talking straight to the camera)// Super Hero? More like Super "Zero"! Amirite? JAYMAN //(still behind the palm tree)// No, you're wrong. (show: ?QXVII)] |QXVII)[(link: "The Volunteer is not surprised.")[(replace: ?QXVII)[VOLUNTEER Why am I not surprised? JAYMAN //(sassy)// Maybe because you think you've seen it all? You know, being a "seen-it-all" is the first step to becoming a "cynical". Badoum-tisch! VOLUNTEER So, what's your deal, mister Super-Hero?](show: ?SXVIII)] (link: "The Volunteer demands an explanation.")[(replace: ?QXVII)[VOLUNTEER Ok, you'll have to explain a couple of things, mister! JAYMAN You sound just like a bad comedian trying to sound like a bad caricature of a bad parent. VOLUNTEER First, are you really a Super-Hero?](show: ?SXVIII)] (link: "The Volunteer insults JayMan.")[(replace: ?QXVII)[VOLUNTEER Oh, you coward bastard! There I was, believing I was safe in your presence. What a let down you are! JAYMAN Hey, that's mean!... Kind of. VOLUNTEER So I take it you're no Super-Hero after all.](show: ?SXVIII)]] |SXVIII)[JAYMAN Yeah, well... here's the thing. I'm a Super-Hero, but if you want to get really nit-picky and technical about it, since I haven't had any first mission yet, and/or saved anyone's life, you could say that I'm more, like, a "wannabe" Super-Hero. But that's only if you want to get really technical! (show: ?QXVIII)] |QXVIII)[(link: "The Volunteer wants to get //really// technical.")[(replace: ?QXVIII)[VOLUNTEER Oh, I'll get technical. I'll get technical all over your sorry ass. JAYMAN That's not hard, I've got such a tight little ass. VOLUNTEER Well, you better move it and save us before I kill you! JAYMAN Ok, ok, I'll save us. Jesus Christ, what a temper!](show: ?SXIX)] (link: "The Volunteer is comprehensive.")[(replace: ?QXVIII)[VOLUNTEER Oh, ok, I see. Well, here's your chance to prove yourself! JAYMAN How? VOLUNTEER By saving us, you dumb idiot. JAYMAN Oh! Brilliant! Oh, I have an idea!](show: ?SXIX)] (link: "The Volunteer stonewalls JayMan.")[(replace: ?QXVIII)[VOLUNTEER That's it, I'm not talking to you anymore. JAYMAN Oh, come on. Now you're acting like a baby. VOLUNTEER //(back turned, arms crossed)// Not talking to you. Not until you save us from this crazy degenerate marauder. ROBBER DE NIRO Hey, that hurts, even thought I understand none of these words. JAYMAN Ok, fine, I'll save us. VOLUNTEER Yeah, you do that.](show: ?SXIX)]] |SXIX)[JayMan looks defiantly at Robber de Niro, straight into his eyes. JAYMAN Mister Robber Sir, beware. I've got two words for you. //(shouting as loud as possible)// POLICE! POLICE! ROBBER DE NIRO Shhh, they'll hear you!(show: ?SXX)] |SXX)[ (link: "SCENE 4")[SCENE 4. A POLICE CAR, SOMEWHERE OVER THERE. Two POLICE OFFICERS are sitting on the hood of their police car, using empty coffee cups as hearing devices to listen for calls. OFFICER CARDBOARD Oh, I think I heard someone calling for help. OFFICER COOLNAME Yep, heard it too. Sounds like a bank robbery. OFFICER CARDBOARD Let's roll. They roll into the car, and they drive like crazy around town, with the sirens on and (link-repeat: "this song")[(open-url: "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wG6rQ778KNM")] as the soundtrack. They arrive at the food bank, tires screeching. (show: ?SXXI)]] |SXXI)[ (link: "SCENE 5")[SCENE 5. INSIDE THE FOOD BANK, AGAIN! ROBBER DE NIRO Oh shit, there's the Police. What do I do? (show: ?QXXI)]] |QXXI)[(link: "The Volunteer suggests a dark solution.")[(replace: ?QXXI)[VOLUNTEER Why don't you kill yourself? ROBBER DE NIRO Yeah, suicide by cops! Rock on! Oh, but wait, if I die, how will I eat all the food that I'll loot here? JAYMAN Yeah, Volunteer! Think before you speak!](show: ?SXXII)] (link: "The Volunteer suggests a bright solution.")[(replace: ?QXXI)[VOLUNTEER You should surrender right away. ROBBER DE NIRO Makes sense. Then, I'd get in jail, and be served free food every day. JAYMAN There's nothing that sounds better than the words "free" and "food" in the same sentence. ROBBER DE NIRO But no, wait, I can't surrender. I don't have a white flag. JAYMAN Bravo, Volunteer! Good job thinking this through!](show: ?SXXII)] (link: "The Volunteer couldn't care less.")[(replace: ?QXXI)[VOLUNTEER Do whatever the fuck you want. ROBBER DE NIRO Come on, you kind of helped to bring me into this situation, you should at least try to come up with a solution. VOLUNTEER Ok, here's a solution. ](show: ?SXXII)]] |SXXII)[The Volunteer makes a "fuck you". ROBBER DE NIRO I have a better idea. I'm taking you both hostages.(show: ?scene6)] |scene6)[ (link: "SCENE 6")[SCENE 6. JUST OUTSIDE THE FOOD BANK. Another police car arrives, and stops with screeching tires. It's a very badass police car, with very badass screeching tires. OFFICER CARDBOARD Oh shit, here comes the real badass. A very badass looking Police Officer comes out the badass police car, with badass sunglasses and badass boots and a badass belt-buckle, and then badassely walks towards the two Officers. OFFICER COOLNAME Good day, Sheriff-Sergeant-Deputee-Director-Marshall-Mayor Sweetcake. SWEETCAKE Just call me Sweetcake, but with a badass tone in your voice. What's the situation? OFFICER CARDBOARD //(excited)// There's like one robber inside, and he has a gun, and he's like "Oh, I won't let you out!", because, like, there's also two other individuals in there, that don't want to be kept in there, but he won't let them out. SWEETCAKE Hostages. That's what I thought. Ok, here's the plan. I want snipers on the roof, snipers on the balcony, snipers in the garden, snipers in the sewers, snipers in the bathroom, snipers over that coffee machine, snipers-- OFFICER COOLNAME Hum, sorry, Sweetcake, we only have one sniper available. SWEETCAKE Really? I though we bought a ton of them. OFFICER CARDBOARD Yeah, thing is, when ordering, Officer Disclecsia made a typo. So the bad news is, we only have one sniper. OFFICER COOLNAME Good news is, now we have a ton of diapers! SWEETCAKE Ok, then, where is he? SNIPER Behind you. Wesley Sniper, at your service. SWEETCAKE Great. Sniper, get in position on this roof. //(to Officer Cardboard)// You, get me a line with this guy. OFFICER CARDBOARD ... which guy? SWEETCAKE The one inside the bank. OFFICER CARDBOARD Yeah, but which one? SWEETCAKE Never mind, I'll do it myself. Sweetcake walks to the main entrance of the food bank (there's only one entrance, so you can't mix it up). NOTE : The rest of this scene alternates from the action inside the food bank and outside of it. The Police is always outside, Robber de Niro, the Volunteer and JayMan are always inside. SWEETCAKE //(shouting through the door)// Hey you, inside the bank. I want to talk to you. ROBBER DE NIRO //(to Volunteer)// Which one of us do you think he wants to talk to? (show: ?QXXII)]] |QXXII)[(link: "The Volunteer has a sarcastic answer." )[(replace: ?QXXII)[VOLUNTEER Your mom. ROBBER DE NIRO //(shouting through the door)// Sorry, she's not here! She's dead!](show: ?SXXIII)] (link: "The Volunteer has a socratic answer." )[(replace: ?QXXII)[VOLUNTEER Well, who do you think they want to talk to? ROBBER DE NIRO I don't know. That's why I'm asking. Do you think I'd ask a question if I knew the answer? JAYMAN You just did. It's called a rhetorical question. The Volunteer makes a "kinda surprised" face. JAYMAN //(proud)// Saw that on NCIS!](show: ?SXXIII)] (link: "The Volunteer has a scholastic answer.")[(replace: ?QXXII)[VOLUNTEER You dropped school pretty early, right? ROBBER DE NIRO Hey, you can't drop what you ain't got! That doesn't still has not respondered my question.](show: ?SXXIII)]] |SXXIII)[SWEETCAKE Listen, I just want to talk to you. I give you my phone number, it's 555-555-5555, quite easy to remember, so... maybe you call me and we go grab a coffee, and talk. You know, just to get to know each other a bit more, and we see where things go from there? ROBBER DE NIRO That's nice, but I already have enough friends as it is. SWEETCAKE Ok, I understand. No big deal. Sweetcake walks away, then turns back. SWEETCAKE I almost forgot! About this hostage situation, why don't you just go ahead and give me your frivolous requests so I can tell you "Yeah, sure, I'll get you that" so you liberate them hostages and then I can shoot you in the head? WESLEY SNIPER //(shouting from a nearby roof)// Sweetcake! I managed to get into position without being noticed. Awaiting orders! SWEETCAKE Can you see inside? WESLEY SNIPER No, I don't have a clear shot. SWEETCAKE Damn it. When will people start using `[product placement pending]` window cleaner so their windows are clear enough for a sniper to headshot bad guys? `[product placement pending]` window cleaner saves lives! //(to Robber de Niro)// So, your requests? ROBBER DE NIRO Yeah, my requests... Yes, hum... they're on their way, just give me a minute, ok? VOLUNTEER You don't have any request, do you? ROBBER DE NIRO Well... no. I didn't think all this would turn into an hostage situation, and... I wasn't prepared. I'm sorry. //(he starts crying)// I'm so sorry, guys. I let you down. I failed you! JAYMAN Hey, no stress, buddy! We've all been there. We'll help you. VOLUNTEER //(casually not giving a fuck)// Yeah, here, I have an idea, for a request. (show: ?QXXIII)] |QXXIII)[(link: "The Volunteer makes a stupid suggestion." )[(replace: ?QXXIII)[Volunteer whispers something in Robber de Niro's ear. ROBBER DE NIRO //(to Sweetcake)// Ok, here's my request. I want Wonderwall from Oasis. SWEETCAKE Not your song request, dumb ass!](show: ?SXXIV)] (link: "The Volunteer makes a ridiculous suggestion.")[(replace: ?QXXIII)[Volunteer whispers something in Robber de Niro's ear. ROBBER DE NIRO //(to Sweetcake)// Ok, here's my request. I want a picture of Gorbatchev in a swinsuit, riding a unicorn. SWEETCAKE Gorbatch-who!?](show: ?SXXIV)] (link: "The Volunteer makes a totally random suggestion.")[(replace: ?QXXIII)[Volunteer whispers something in Robber de Niro's ear. ROBBER DE NIRO //(to Sweetcake)// Ok, here's my request. I want (either:"a carrot", "Mr Roger", "some idiot", "a house", "a space station", "two astronauts", "dental floss") and (either:"Gilligan", "some dirt", "a book", "a computer", "a one-way mirror", "a pair of dirty socks") (either:"dancing on", "sleeping in", "walking on", "watching", "eating", "rolling around in") (either:"rain", "tinfoil", "kale", "fake money", "wood", "the stars", "a documentary on coal", "snow", "sunshine"). SWEETCAKE What!?](show: ?SXXIV)]] |SXXIV)[ROBBER DE NIRO You heard me. You now have fifteen seconds to comply. After that deadline, I will execute one hostage per minute, for... //(he counts all the two hostages he has)// one, two... two minutes! SWEETCAKE Ok, I've had enough of this. Sniper, take the shot! WESLEY SNIPER Sir, yes sir! Cheers! Wesley Sniper takes a shot of whiskey. ROBBER DE NIRO 15 seconds. The Volunteer takes Jayman apart. VOLUNTEER JayMan, we've got to do something, and fast. ROBBER DE NIRO //(having a hard time with numbers)// Hum... 14 seconds. VOLUNTEER Quick, JayMan, we're almost out of time. ROBBER DE NIRO Hum... 14 seconds minus one second. SWEETCAKE You mean 13 seconds? ROBBER DE NIRO No, minus 1! JAYMAN //(still apart)// You're right. We have to act now. Please, let me assume the leadership of our daring escape. VOLUNTEER Fine! JAYMAN So? What do we do? (show: ?QXXIV)] |QXXIV)[(link: "The Volunteer has a sarcastic answer.")[(replace: ?QXXIV)[VOLUNTEER Wow, call me when you run for President, Oh Captain, my Captain!](show: ?SXXV)] (link: "The Volunteer confronts JayMan.")[(replace: ?QXXIV)[VOLUNTEER Ok, I think you don't know what leadership is. If you lead, you're supposed to decide, and take action, and think by yourself, and... and... JayMan looks at the Volunteer with dead-fish eyes. VOLUNTEER ...and I don't know why I'm loosing my time trying to explain this to you.](show: ?SXXV)] (link: "The Volunteer can't even.")[(replace: ?QXXIV)[The Volunteer stares at JayMan with eyes as open as a cannabis shop in Colorado.](show: ?SXXV)]] |SXXV)[JAYMAN Look, I'm a democratic leader, ok? So, what do we do?(show: ?QXXV)] |QXXV)[(link: "The Volunteer wants to run away.")[(replace: ?QXXV)[VOLUNTEER We should make a run for it. We just aim for the door, and run as fast as we can. JAYMAN Run? Run!? Are you out of your mind? I'm not Terry Fox! VOLUNTEER Who? JAYMAN I mean, Forrest Gump. VOLUNTEER Come on, there's only fifty feet to run. JAYMAN But I've got only two feet to run. That leaves me forty-eight feet short. VOLUNTEER Just... just run. The Volunteer starts running. JAYMAN When? The Volunteer turns around. VOLUNTEER Now!! The Volunteer starts running again. JAYMAN Wait, come back. The Volunteer turns around. VOLUNTEER What! JAYMAN We have to do it together. Like... a team. VOLUNTEER Ok. We run together. Now! The Volunteer starts running, //again//! JAYMAN Wait! The Volunteer turns around, //again//!! VOLUNTEER What!!!! JAYMAN We need some kind of countdown. VOLUNTEER Oh, for fucks sake, why won't you just run? JAYMAN Look, either we do it the right way, or we don't do it at all. ROBBER DE NIRO //(still struggling with numbers)// Wait, I can find it myself... eurm... 5? SWEETCAKE Good job, son! VOLUNTEER There's our countdown. ROBBER DE NIRO 4. I think. VOLUNTEER When he reaches 0, we run. JAYMAN //(excited)// Ok! Hou, that's exciting. ROBBER DE NIRO 3. SHOT of JayMan and the Volunteer getting ready to run. JayMan is stretching his legs. The Volunteer jumps in place. ROBBER DE NIRO 2. SHOT of JayMan assuming an olympian sprinter starter position while the Volunteer has a "I disapprove of what you're doing" head movement. ROBBER DE NIRO 1. Time stands still. SHOT of Wesley Sniper, drunk on the roof! ROBBER DE NIRO 0! JayMan and the Volunteer start running. The Volunteer quickly gets a slight advantage, put JayMan pulls him back by the coat, because obviously he does! ROBBER DE NIRO What the hell? They run towards the main door, screaming like crazy. ROBBER DE NIRO Oh no, you don't! He puts himself in the way, you know, to stop them. JayMan and the Volunteer share a complicit gaze. They both extend an arm and clothesline Robber de Niro. He falls to the floor, beaten. ](show: ?SXXVI)] (link: "The Volunteer wants to surrender.")[(replace: ?QXXV)[VOLUNTEER I think we should surrender. JAYMAN What? You mean, we should try to convince him to surrender. VOLUNTEER No, here's the deal. That guy's so stupid, I'm sure he can't count the number of letters in the word BINGO! JAYMAN So? VOLUNTEER So, we tell him that "we" surrender to the police, and he will let us go. JAYMAN Oh, I see. Ok, let's do that. JayMan walks to Robber de Niro. The Volunteer follows right behind. JAYMAN //(with a smurky grin on his face)// Hey, mister Robber sir! ROBBER DE NIRO Don't disturb me, I'm in the middle of something very complicated. //(struggling with numbers)// Wait, I can do it myself... humm... 6! I think? SWEETCAKE That's good, son! JAYMAN Look, Robber, I bet you don't know how many letters there are in the word BINGO! ROBBER DE NIRO //(obviously to Sweetcake)// Heu... 5? JayMan looks at the Volunteer, flabergasted. JAYMAN //(whispering)// He knows. Your plan failed! VOLUNTEER No, it didn't, you idiot. Just follow my lead. JAYMAN Hey, wait, we agreed that I was the leader. VOLUNTEER Do you always act like a child? JAYMAN I don't know. Do you always pick your nose? VOLUNTEER //(unnerved)// I don't pick my... //(calming down)// Ok. You want to lead? Lead away! JAYMAN Ok. I'm right behind you! SHOT of the Volunteer having an intense "I can't even" moment. VOLUNTEER Mister Robber? ROBBER DE NIRO 2. I mean. yes? VOLUNTEER We thought about it, and me and my... leader, we decided to surrender to the police. ROBBER DE NIRO Ok? VOLUNTEER You don't have to come with us, we can handle it like grown-ups. SHOT of JayMan with a finger up his nose. JAYMAN I'm a bogey-builder!! ROBBER DE NIRO Well, ok, have it your way. But I can't come with you guys, I need to watch my hostages. Anyhow, it was nice meeting you. Have a good day.](show: ?SXXVI)] (link: "The Volunteer wants to kill Robber de Niro.")[(replace: ?QXXV)[VOLUNTEER We should try to kill him. JAYMAN What? No way, I refuse to kill innocent people. VOLUNTEER Well, he's not exactly innocent! JayMan looks at the Volunteer with crying-sad-cute puppy-eyes. VOLUNTEER Ok, ok. We won't kill him. But maybe we can poison him? JAYMAN Oh, great thinking. Let's find us some poison. JayMan and the Volunteer look around the cupboards and the shelves. JAYMAN Look, I've found a pack of nutmeg. VOLUNTEER //(sarcastic)// Really? JAYMAN //(not catching the sarcasm)// Oh yes. If you eat too much of it, it becomes really poisonous. We just need about like three kilos of it. JayMan keeps looking for nutmeg. The Volunteer finds a box of rat poison. VOLUNTEER Here, let's use this rat poison. JAYMAN I don't know. I'd rather use natural stuff instead of chemicals. JayMan takes the poison box. JAYMAN //(looking on the box)// Unless it's organic chemicals? The Volunteer snatches the box out of JayMan's hands. VOLUNTEER Yes, organic. //(showing but not showing the box)// See? It's written there! Organic chemicals. With the logo of a totally not made-up certification for organic chemicals. JAYMAN Nice! VOLUNTEER Now, he has to eat it... I know, let's put it in pudding. JAYMAN Wait! VOLUNTEER What! JAYMAN It won't work. He's not a rat. VOLUNTEER It also works on humans. JAYMAN Oh, ok, Professor Poison Nerd. Proceed. The Volunteer takes a pudding out of the fridge, opens it, and goes to pour poison in it. JAYMAN Wait. VOLUNTEER //(annoyed, interrupts the poisoning)// What!! JAYMAN I'm not sure about this pudding thing. What if he's diabetic? VOLUNTEER Oh, for fuck's sake... I'll get sugar-free pudding, ok? JAYMAN I don't know. Artificial sweetners can be more damageable that sugar, and-- ROBBER DE NIRO //(still struggling with counting)// Wait, wait, that one's hard.. hum... 7? SWEETCAKE That's good, son! VOLUNTEER You got to be fucking kidding me. Here, I'll mix it in water! The Volunteer takes a bottle of water and goes to open it. JAYMAN A water bottle? Plastic? Really!? Don't forget the plastic straw because fuck the turtles, amirite? With a suspicious calm, the Volunteer takes a glass, fills it with tap water and mixes in a lot of rat poison. VOLUNTEER Happy? JAYMAN The turtles will thank you. Maybe they'll even send you a birthday card. VOLUNTEER Ok, now, we have to convince him to drink the water. JAYMAN Convince who? Steaming, the Volunteer points at Robber de Niro. JAYMAN Oooooh! Clever. Here, let me handle it. The Volunteer reluctantly gives the glass of water to JayMan. ROBBER DE NIRO 4. I think. JAYMAN //(with a stupid smurky grin)// Hey, mister Robber sir. Hum... your hands look dirty. Maybe you would like to wash them by putting this water in your mouth? ROBBER DE NIRO I don't have time for this. I'm in the middle of a very complex mathematical problem. Heu... 9! SWEETCAKE Nope. ROBBER DE NIRO Damn it. I lost the count. JAYMAN You should look at the last place you saw it. ROBBER DE NIRO Shut up, and let me wash my hands. Robber de Niro takes the glass and drinks it in one shot. Nothing happens. ROBBER DE NIRO Damn, my hands are still dirty. The Volunteer looks at JayMan. JayMan looks at Robber de Niro. Robber de Niro looks at the bottom of the glass, through which he sees Sweetcake looking at his watch. Suddenly, Robber de Niro convulses. White stuff comes out his mouth. He falls, unconscious. JAYMAN Well, I'll be damned. Rat poison is actually dangerous to humans.](show: ?SXXVI)]] |SXXVI)[JayMan and the Volunteer triomphantly exit the food bank. The Police point their guns at them. SWEETCAKE //(as badass as anyone can be)// Got you, bastards! JAYMAN Don't shoot, don't shoot! VOLUNTEER We're the hostages! The Police shoots them in the face. (show: ?SXXVII)] |SXXVII)[ (link: "SCENE 7")[SCENE 7. RIGHT OUTSIDE THE FOOD BANK. JayMan and the Volunteer are sitting in the back of an ambulance, while paramedics are taking care of them. Their eyes are very, very swollen, as if thousands of spiders went behind their eyes and layed eggs. JAYMAN I still can't believe they shot us in the face. VOLUNTEER Good thing they used pepper pellets. In the background, Sweetcake is talking to Officer Cardboard. SWEETCAKE Pepper pellets? I wanted "popper" pellets. The ones that explode on impact, you know? Pop! OFFICER CARDBOARD I'll check with Officer Disclecsia. VOLUNTEER So, what are you going to do now? JAYMAN I don't know. I'm not sure that Super-Hero thing is for me, after all this... (show: ?QXXVII)]] |QXXVII)[(link: "The Volunteer reassures JayMan.")[(replace: ?QXXVII)[VOLUNTEER //(patting JayMan on the back)// Oh, come on. You did great in there. You still have a long road ahead of you, but you'll be a great Super-Hero. One day. A day far into the future... JAYMAN If you say so. What about you? What are your plans now?](show: ?SXXVIII)] (link: "The Volunteer says nothing.")[(replace: ?QXXVII)[The Volunteer looks at JayMan, silent. JAYMAN What? The Volunteer still says nothing. JAYMAN Well, isn't that supposed to be the moment where you try to convince me to follow my dreams whatever life throws at me? The Volunteer says nothing. JAYMAN //(using the Volunteer's lips as a puppet)// JayMan, you must follow your dreams, whatever life throws at you. VOLUNTEER //(slaps JayMan's hands)// Stop it. JAYMAN Well, you're right. I have a lot to learn, but quitting is not how you learn... well, I think it's not how... anyways. What about you?](show: ?SXXVIII)] (link: "The Volunteer encourages JayMan to quit while he's ahead.")[(replace: ?QXXVII)[VOLUNTEER I think you're right. JAYMAN Yeah! Wait, what? VOLUNTEER I think you suck as a Super-Hero. You're a chicken, you have no super-power, no leadership. You have a temper as shitty as your brain. You're the worst there is. You are just sooooooo immature! JAYMAN Well... hum... ok, first, fuck you. Second, just to prove you wrong, I'll become the greatest Super-Hero the Earth has ever known. VOLUNTEER I'll be surprised if you become the greatest superhero this neighborhood has ever known. And it has known none! JAYMAN Well, I'll show you! So, what about you?](show: ?SXXVIII)]] |SXXVIII)[VOLUNTEER I don't know. I don't want to come back here. Lucky as I am, I'm sure I'll get PTSD! JAYMAN Yeah, STDs suck. But you know what doesn't suck? VOLUNTEER No, I don't know, but I have that strong feeling you're about to tell me. JAYMAN Every Super-Hero needs a side-kick. JayMan winks. (show: ?QXXVIII)] |QXXVIII)[(link: "The Volunteer absolutely doesn't want to become JayMan's side-kick.")[(replace: ?QXXVIII)[(show: ?SXXVIV)]] (link: "The Volunteer definitively doesn't like where this is going.")[(replace: ?QXXVIII)[(show: ?SXXVIV)]] (link: "The Volunteer tries to escape the conversation before it's too late.")[(replace: ?QXXVIII)[(show: ?SXXVIV)]]]|SXXVIV)[VOLUNTEER Look-- JAYMAN It's settled. You are now officially my side-kick. And your side-kick name shall be... $Codename!!!(show: ?QXXVIV)] |QXXVIV)[(link: "$Codename cries.")[(replace: ?QXXVIV)[$Codename starts crying. JayMan pats him on the back. JAYMAN Damn pepper pellets, amirite?](show: ?SXXVV)] (link: "$Codename tries to commit suicide.")[(replace: ?QXXVIV)[Desperate, $Codename runs to Officer Coolname and tries to take its gun. OFFICER COOLNAME Hey, what are you doing? $CODENAME Gimme your gun. OFFICER COOLNAME No, it's mine. $CODENAME Give it to me!! I need it to shoot myself! OFFICER COOLNAME No! The Police officers tackle $Codename to the ground. JAYMAN Ah, classic $Codename!](show: ?SXXVV)] (link: "$codename accepts.")[(replace: ?QXXVIV)[$CODENAME Well, that will be more entertaining than being depressed at my pointless life. Count me in! JAYMAN That's the spirit!](show: ?SXXVV)]] |SXXVV)[NARRATOR And this is how a simple volunteer at a food bank became $CODENAME, the loyal side-kick of the most unlikely (and arguably the worst) Super-Hero ever : JAYMAN! (link: "--THE END--")[(goto: "Universe")]]

[Hello, $CODENAME, and welcome to my universe. Here, you will find interactive movie scripts and other stuff, but mostly interactive movie scripts. Feel free to look around and touch stuff and all, but make sure you put everything where it was when you came in. Also, if you break something, you bought it! ][ (display: "NEWS") ][ ###INTERACTIVE MOVIE SCRIPTS PLEASE CHOOSE A MOVIE : (link: "EPISODE 1: THE BANK ROBBERY")[(goto: "bank_robbery")] : In the first movie, JayMan fights a bank robber, thus proving the whole world that he is indeed a super-hero. (link: "EPISODE 2: VALENTINA DESTROY")[(goto: "valentina_destroy")] : JayMan is kidnapped by the disgusting Valentina Destroy, who wants him to become her child. (link: "EPISODE 3: CALCULATHOR")[(goto: "calculathor")] : JayMan faces CalculaThor, a red headed human who can do mental calculus at ligthning speed. (text-style: "underline")[`[in development]` JAYMAN and the REVENGE OF THE BURGERS] : JayMan faces an army of Burgers on a quest for revenge. (link: "QUICK TUTORIAL TO LEARN HOW TO READ MOVIE SCRIPTS")[(goto: "TUTORIAL")] : If you're new to this movie script business, you might want to check this quick tutorial. Then you'll see how easy it is to be an actor reading a script! ][ ###POINTLESS WRITINGS Looking for a collection of humorous texts that exist for the sole purpose of existing? (link: "Right this way, my friend!")[(goto: "Pointless")] ] ###FAQ What's your question, $Codename? (link-reveal: (uppercase: "Who's behind this project?"))[ I'm a comedian living in the Northern Lands of Quebec, Canada. I usually go around under the pseudonym of Jayman, because it's funny. I mean, even my mom calls me Jayman now!] (link-reveal: (uppercase: "Anything I can do to support this project?"))[ Yeah, sure! 1) Share it with your friends! 2) Consider (link-repeat: "making a donation")[(open-url: "https://paypal.me/comedyjayman?locale.x=fr_CA")]. I really don't do this for money, but I guess it's fun to eat something else than peanut-butter sandwiches every once in a while! 4) Be the first to know when new episodes are out by (link-repeat: "subscribing to my newsletter")[(open-url : "https://mailchi.mp/98545058a851/aventures_jayman")]. 3) You can always (link-repeat: "follow me on Facebook")[(open-url: "https://www.facebook.com/jayman.humoriste")].] (link-reveal: (uppercase: "Why is there something instead of nothing?"))[ Because, heurm... am I the only one feeling the existential vertigo right now? No? Good, good. So, the easy answer is "Because that's the way it is". The not so easy answer is (link-repeat: "this")[(open-url : "https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Why_there_is_anything_at_all")].] (link-reveal: (uppercase: "Any way to contact you?"))[ Yeah, sure. Just send me an email at <a href="mailto: jayman@groupecingle.com>jayman@groupecingle.com</a> and we'll talk! I sure would like to have your critic about the concept, the episodes, anything.] (link-reveal: (uppercase: "What program do you use to create your scripts?"))[ I'm using TWINE 2 with the HARLOWE 3 engine, on a stock Lenovo ThinkPad T61 running Linux Light (the last part serves no purpose other than boasting that I use a retro-laptop with Linux, because when it comes to computers, Linux users are just like vegans : can't miss a chance to say how better than anyone you are!!)]

[ ] =><= <h1 style="font-size:40px;">THE ADVENTURES OF JAYMAN</h1> <h1 style="font-size:30px;">Episode 2 : VALENTINA DESTROY</h1> <h1 style="font-size:20px;">Written by "$Codename"</h1> <= (link: "SCENE 1")[SCENE 1. JAYMAN'S LAIR JayMan is sitting at his desk, working on his computer. He's scrolling on a website filled with lots of lost cats ads. SHOT revealing that JayMan's lair is nothing more than an empty-ish one room appartment. The only visible furniture is JayMan's desk, a rickety single bed with a sleeping bag, and a straight chair on which $Codename is sitting, silently. We only hear the noisy fan on JayMan's laptop that has seen both World Wars! (show: ?QI)] |QI)[(link: "$Codename tries to be nice to JayMan.")[(replace: ?QI)[$CODENAME That's... quite a nice work place you have here... all the empty white walls, it's very... post-something! JAYMAN Pretty nifty, right? $CODENAME I thought Superheroes had huge lairs, with loads of cool blinking tecky stuff, but you managed to pull it with none of that. JAYMAN Yeah, it's called "voluntary simplicity", which is just a fancy way to say that I'm living six feet under the poverty line. $CODENAME Well, at least, you have your own computer. JAYMAN It's my most treasured possession! That thing holds all my life. $CODENAME Wow, so it has the memory of a goldfish! JAYMAN What!? $CODENAME //(innocent)// What?](show: ?SI)] (link: "$Codename shows interest in JayMan's work .")[(replace: ?QI)[$CODENAME So... what are you working on? JAYMAN //(focused on his screen)// Stuff. $CODENAME Maybe I can help you? JAYMAN Don't be ridiculous. This is serious shit right here! //(writing on a piece of paper while checking the screen at each and every word to be sure they're the right ones)// "Black cat. Last seen two days ago. His name is Poncho, but he doesn't care about his name." $CODENAME //(desperately trying to build a conversation)// So, a black cat, hey? JAYMAN Please, I need to concentrate! //(looking at his note)// Now I lost my train of thoughts. Thank you! He crumbles the piece of paper and throws it away. He takes a new piece of paper. JAYMAN //(noting, with such focus that his tongue shows out)// "Black cat... last seen two days ago... his name is Poncho..."](show: ?SI)] (link: "$Codename wonders where's the toilet.")[(replace: ?QI)[$CODENAME I hate to ask, but, where's the toilet? JAYMAN Over there. He vaguely points to a corner of the lair. $Codename goes to inspect. It's a bucket. JAYMAN I left you instructions on a post-it. $CODENAME //(reading the post-it)// Step 1. Lower pants. Step 2 (optional). If wearing underwears, lower underwears. Step 3. Stretch your quads and hamstring glutes. Step 4. Squat over the bucket. Step 4b. Aim inside the bucket. Step 5. PUSH! Step 6. Wipe yourself with bucket paper. //(to JayMan)// What's "bucket paper"? JAYMAN It's toilet paper, but for the bucket. Pretty clever, huh? $CODENAME And where is it? JAYMAN Over there. JayMan points at a giant plant that is right besides the bucket. Many leaves are missing. $CODENAME At least, now I know where to piss! JAYMAN Are you out of your mind? You don't piss in a plant. $CODENAME Oh, sorry, where are my manners.](show: ?SI)]] |SI)[Suddenly, a sudden annoying "You've got mail!" notification annoyingly notifies JayMan that he got mail. JayMan opens the email.(show: ?QII)] |QII)[(link: "$Codename is insulted.")[(replace: ?QII)[$CODENAME Oh, so you're going to be that douchebag that reads email in other people's face! JAYMAN Wow, you sound just like my mom. But you know what? You're not my mom, and you're not going to tell me how to behave in my house. $CODENAME //(snarky)// You mean your own one room appartment? JAYMAN I mean "I do what I want, this is MY home"... that I rent... well, I don't pay the rent, so I'm technically a squater... But you're not the boss of my technical squat!](show: ?SII)] (link: "$Codename is moralistic.")[(replace: ?QII)[$CODENAME You know that multitasking is bad and ruins your efficiency at work, right? JAYMAN Maybe for you, but I happen to have a Super Genius Brain Mind thingy, so I can work on multiple tasks at once. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah, cats. //(writing on a piece of paper)// "Black cat... Last seen two days ago..." Oh, look, I've got mail.](show: ?SII)] (link: "$Codename is curious.")[(replace: ?QII)[$CODENAME Who is it from? JAYMAN Wow! Back off! //(he draws an imaginary line in the air)// My life, your life! $CODENAME Sorry! I was just being curious. JAYMAN Yeah, well, you're acting like you're my jealous lover. And you know what? Maybe it's some other Side Kick I'm hanging around. What? You think you're my only Side Kick? $CODENAME Wow.](show: ?SII)]] |SII)[JayMan reads the email. JAYMAN Arrrrgh... $CODENAME Bad news? JAYMAN Not that it's any of your business, but it's a gazillionth love letter from Valentina Destroy.(show: ?QIII)] |QIII)[(link: "$Codename is excited.")[(replace: ?QIII)[$CODENAME Ooooh! Love letters. How cute. JAYMAN No, it's not. $CODENAME Oh yes it is! It's love. Love is always cute. JAYMAN No. Love is a chemical reaction geared towards the survival and reproduction of the species. And if you find anything cute in chemistry, I wouldn't judge you, but damn that'd be weird. $CODENAME The cynicism is strong in this one! JAYMAN Look, there's just nothing cute to this story. I met her on a dating app, and it didn't work out, but she keeps sending me those aweful love emails, everyday single day.](show: ?SIII)] (link: "$Codename hates love.")[(replace: ?QIII)[$CODENAME Eurk, love. JAYMAN I know, right? It sucks. $CODENAME It's all so complicated. Meet someone, seduce that someone, have your heart broken, repeat. JAYMAN All that just because we're afraid to die alone. $CODENAME I hate love. JAYMAN I love that you hate love. They stare each other in the eyes. $Codename blushes. JAYMAN //(inadvertently breaking the mood)// You have mustard there. $CODENAME Oh, ok... JAYMAN Anyways, I met Valentina on a dating app, it didn't work out, and now she just keeps sending me these aweful love letters every single day.](show: ?SIII)] (link: "$Codename is not excited.")[(replace: ?QIII)[$CODENAME You're right, it's none of my business. JAYMAN I'm always right. $CODENAME ... wow. JAYMAN That's why I'm the leader. $CODENAME Once again : wow. JAYMAN Her name is Valentina Destroy. $CODENAME I said I don't care. JAYMAN //(with a shrug)// I don't care that you don't care. I'm the leader. $CODENAME Wow. Wait! I never said "wow" so much in so little time. JAYMAN //(not giving a fuck)// Good for you. Anyways, I met her on a dating app, and it didn't work out, so I dumped her, but she doesn't know that because I haven't told her, and now she just keeps sending me these aweful love emails every single day. $CODENAME I think I'm about to break some obscure World Record for the most unexcited "wows" in a row, because, wow! JAYMAN I know, right? ](show: ?SIII)]] |SIII)[$CODENAME And why didn't it work out? JAYMAN Nothing particular. She just has an horrible personality, and she falls in the category of the women that I don't find attractive. $CODENAME Oh, I see. JAYMAN Sadly, you don't. Because if you ever see her, you'll have to bleach your eyes. $CODENAME Ouch. JAYMAN And trust me, contrary to popular belief, bleaching your eyes does not erase the horrible images you saw. $CODENAME Wow. I sure hope I never see her. JAYMAN Please, $Codename, don't jinx it. But, wait, you're a relationship specialist, aren't you?(show: ?QIV)] |QIV)[(link: "$Codename is caught off guard.")[(replace: ?QIV)[$CODENAME Eurm--](show: ?SIV)] (link: "$Codename is a lot of thing, but not a relationship specialist.")[(replace: ?QIV)[$CODENAME Heu, I'm--](show: ?SIV)] (link: "$Codename wonders why JayMan might think that.")[(replace: ?QIV)[$CODENAME Well--](show: ?SIV)]] |SIV)[JAYMAN Good. So tell me, with all your wisdom, what's the best way to deal with her?(show: ?QV)] |QV)[(link: "$Codename suggests ghosting.")[(replace: ?QV)[$CODENAME You should definitively ghost her. JAYMAN //(unsure)// You mean... make her into a ghost? $CODENAME No! Hell no! You just ignore her. Don't answer any email, or text, or anything. JAYMAN //(with shifty eyes)// Oh, yeah, I definitively knew that! JayMan starts typing a message. $CODENAME //(suspicious)// What are you doing? JAYMAN I'm writing to Valentina to tell her that I'm not writing to her. Duh! It's the ghost thing! $CODENAME But, you don't!... Ah, whatever... JAYMAN Aaaaand send. There, that should do it.](show: ?SV)] (link: "$Codename suggests diplomacy.")[(replace: ?QV)[$CODENAME You should play it cool, you know? Save her feelings, and all. JAYMAN Good thinking! //(typing diplomatically)// "Are you as stupid as you are ugly? I told you a billion times that I don't give a fuck about you!" $Codename looks at JayMan in silent disapproval. JAYMAN Aaaand send. There. That should do it.](show: ?SV)] (link: "$Codename suggests insults.")[(replace: ?QV)[$CODENAME Well, if she's as obnoxious as you say she is, the only thing she will understand are insults. JAYMAN Right. Insults. //(typing)// You smell like rotten ipecac and you once had a small amount of boogers on the side of your nose. Aaaand send. You smell that? $CODENAME //(smelling)// No. JAYMAN That's the smell of a good burn! $CODENAME I sure hope we never get into a roast battle...](show: ?SV)]] |SV)[Both JayMan and $Codename stare at the screen. For a long moment. They're awaiting an answer. The camera slowly zooms on the computer screen. Some dramatic music fades in, highlighting the incredibly high tension. Against the advice of every optometrist, they approach their faces very close to the screen. Then, there's a loud banging on the door. THE DOOR Bham! Bham! JAYMAN //(startled)// Heu... knock knock! $CODENAME Heu... who's there? JAYMAN //(bitchy)// Open the door and I'll know. $Codename stares at JayMan with a "Are you fucking kidding me!?" kind of face. JayMan stares back with a "Why aren't you opening the door?" kind of face. $Codename opens the door, gruntly. We are introduced to GOONARONNIE and GOONDERBAR, two massive goon twins, with a soft spot for ballet-jazz. GOONARONNIE //(brandishing a police baton)// Surprise, modafock-- GOONDERBAR //(stopping Goonaronnie)// Wait! Goonderbar suspiciously looks at a picture on a cellphone, then at $Codename, then at the picture, then at $Codename. GOONDERBAR You're not JayMan! $CODENAME Nope, I'm his Side Kick. GOONDERBAR Oh. Sorry about the loud banging. GOONARONNIE We're here to kidnap him! GOONDERBAR Do you know where we could find him?(show: ?QVI)] |QVI)[(link: "$Codename covers for JayMan.")[(replace: ?QVI)[$CODENAME Sorry, he is, heurm... out of town right now. JAYMAN //(from afar)// Who's there? $CODENAME Heu... no one, gramma! //(to the Goons)// It's my gramma. GOONAROONIE She has such a lovely deep masculine voice. GOONARONNIE //(trying to look over $Codename's shoulder)// We love grammas! Can we meet her? $CODENAME //(trying to prevent the Goons to look inside)// Sorry, you can't see her, you know, she's... in her 'jamas, taking a bath and all! GOONARONNIE Maybe she can cook us cookies, or fudge, or... cookies! GOONBERBAR You said cookies twice. GOONARONNIE I know. That way, they'll be twice as delicious. JAYMAN //(suddenly behind $Codename)// What's all that racket? $CODENAME Hey, gramma. GOONARONNIE Funny, your gramma looks like JayMan. GOONDERBAR //(looks at the picture of JayMan, then JayMan, then the picture of JayMan, then JayMan)// It is JayMan! GOONARONNIE Suprise, modafocka!](show: ?SVI)] (link: "$Codename gives JayMan away.")[(replace: ?QVI)[$CODENAME Sure, he's right over there. Let me get him for you. GOONDERBAR Nice. Can we come in? $CODENAME Yeah, yeah. And please, do not bother cleaning your boots. $Codename walks to JayMan. JAYMAN Who's there? $CODENAME Two goons that want to kidnap you. JAYMAN Oh, come on. I don't have time for this. //(pointing at the lost cats ads)// I still have a lot of work to do, today! $CODENAME Well, you're going with them. You being kidnapped will make for a much better adventureous life than you spending the whole day in front of the computer. JAYMAN What are you, my mom? $CODENAME You're going outside! JAYMAN //(childish)// But I don't want to! $CODENAME It's for your own good! GOONDERBAR Yeah, your own good! GOONARONNIE Yeah, you are good!](show: ?SVI)] (link: "$Codename plays dumb.")[(replace: ?QVI)[$CODENAME //(playing dumb)// JayeMhan!? There ain't no DJayeMhan here! GOONARONNIE //(naturally dumb)// But we got to get a Djayemhanh back home. $CODENAME //(still playing dumb)// But I don't even know any Dejayehmhahnh anyways. GOONARONNIE //(just being dumb)// You knowing where me find one!? $CODENAME //(overplaying dumb)// Woua wou wanna a dhehjhayehmhanh!? GOONARONNIE //(still just very dumb)// Coz tis me mishion tat dey did give to me! $CODENAME //(pushing way too far)// Whou wha whi wham boum boum? GOONARONNIE //(with a natural 20 on dumbness)// Huh huh! $Codename stares at Goonaronnie for a moment. $CODENAME Wow, that's new levels of dumb. GOONDERBAR Yeah, sorry pal, but you can't outdumb my twin goon! GOONARONNIE Blblblblbllblblblblbl! $CODENAME Yep, I give up. JayMan's right over there. The two goons run towards JayMan.](show: ?SVI)]] |SVI)[Goonaronnie hits JayMan on the head with the police baton. JayMan falls on the floor, unconscious. $Codename looks at the goons in terror. The screen goes black (and never comes back!... joke, it comes back in the next scene.) (show: ?SCENE2)] |SCENE2)[(link: "SCENE 2.")[SCENE 2. INSIDE A PRISON CELL. $Codename wakes up on a bed, chained to the wall of a cell, in what seems to be a huge Manor made of bricks. Somehow, the room is smaller than JayMan's lair. There's a window with big metal bars, and on the opposite side, a wooden door. Over the bed, a poster of a plastic spoon. CUE SOUND of dripping water that reverberates around with way too much echo. $CODENAME Weird, this is somehow an improvement on the lair!(show: ?QVII)]] |QVII)[(link: "$Codename goes to the window.")[(replace: ?QVII)[$Codename gets out of bed. $CODENAME Maybe some fresh air will help me get rid of this headache. $Codename tries to reach the window but can't do it, because the chain allows $Codename to move 3 foot and 6 inches, while the window is at 3 foot and 7 inches.](show: ?SVII)] (link: "$Codename stays in bed.")[(replace: ?QVII)[$Codename looks around and rolls back in the sheets. $CODENAME Maybe if I go back to sleep, I'll realize that this dream was just a nightmare!](show: ?SVII)] (link: "$Codename calls for help.")[(replace: ?QVII)[$Codename takes out a cellphone and dials a number. $CODENAME Hey, Help? It's me. HELP //(on the phone)// Hey, $Codename. $CODENAME Look, do you have time to get me out of a bad situation? HELP I'd like to, but I'm spending the day with my kids. $CODENAME Oh, ok, I understand. Ok. Well, have a great one. $Codename hangs up the phone.](show: ?SVII)]] |SVII)[From the window, we hear kids playing outside. $Codename sighs. CUE SOUND of big metallic keys being used on the other side of the door. Someone is unlocking the door. Dramatic violins kick in. CLOSE-UP on $Codename's face. CLOSE-UP on the door being unlocked. CLOSE-UP on $Codename's face. CLOSE-UP on the door still being unlocked. CLOSE-UP on $Codename's face. CLOSE-UP on the door not yet unlocked. CLOSE-UP on $Codename's face. CUE SOUND of the lock being unlocked. CLOSE-UP on the door finally unlocked. The tension raises. CLOSE-UP on $Codename's gaze, showing simultaneously the relief that the door is finally unlocked, yet the worry about what's going to happen while feeling confident to possess all the abilities to face any situation. SLOW ZOOM on the door while the dramatic violins intensify. Suddenly, the camera pans up, revealing another lock. Violins are instantly muted. CUE SOUND of unlocking the lock. $Codename sighs. GOONARONNIE //(through the door)// Damn it, I didn't bring the right key... look, heurm, $Codename? I'll go around, ok? Don't move. SHOT of $Codename in chains. We hear a door open, followed by footsteps in gravel, outside. GOONARONNIE //(through the window)// Hey, $Codename, over here!(show: ?QVIII)] |QVIII)[(link: "$Codename wants answers!")[(replace: ?QVIII)[$CODENAME Why am I here? Tell me. I want answers. GOONARONNIE //(unsure)// When? $CODENAME When? Now! GOONARONNIE Fair enough. The reason you're here is because you are our prisoner.](show: ?SVIII)] (link: "$Codename wonders what Goonaronnie wants.")[(replace: ?QVIII)[$CODENAME At this point, I'm afraid to ask, but what do you want? GOONARONNIE Wow, that's a hard question... I guess, to be happy? $CODENAME Fair enough, but I meant, what do you want from me? GOONARONNIE I honestly don't know. What do you think you could bring to my life? $CODENAME I mean, why have you brought me here? GOONARONNIE Ouf, my brain hurts from all these questions. I guess, we brought you here to be our prisoner?](show: ?SVIII)] (link: "$Codename refuses to cooperate.")[(replace: ?QVIII)[$CODENAME I refuse to play your stupid mind games. Let me go this instant! GOONARONNIE Let you go... where? To the bathroom!? $CODENAME No, I-- GOONARONNIE Cuz there's a bucket under the bed. $CODENAME What I-- GOONARONNIE Do you want me to show you how to use the bucket? $CODENAME //(insulted)// I know how to use a bucket. GOONARONNIE //(pulling up its pants)// You're no fun. Anyways, I didn't come here to give a bucket lesson, I came here to tell you that you're our prisoner.](show: ?SVIII)]] |SVIII)[A floating moment. $CODENAME ... and? GOONARONNIE Well, that's about it. You're our prisoner. Another floating moment. $CODENAME But why? GOONARONNIE Oh, that, I can't tell you. $CODENAME Not even a hint? A tiny itsy bitsy microscopic hint? GOONARONNIE Not even a hint. I'd like to, but they don't tell me nothing. All I know is that my boss, Valentina Destroy, you may have heard of her, nice lady, she's really good at that paint-by-number thing, anyways, she asked us to kidnap JayMan because she wants him to become his child, and since you were there, we thought it would be better to keep you in prison.(show: ?QIX)] |QIX)[(link: "$Codename reacts with zen.")[(replace: ?QIX)[$CODENAME Well, you can imprison my body all you want, but my soul remains free! GOONARONNIE You're giving away your music? $CODENAME What? GOONARONNIE My sister used to sing soul, and it was hard enough to pay her bills, I don't see how you can make this work by giving away your music. $CODENAME Not soul music, my soul. My spirit. GOONARONNIE Oh, ok... Oh! I get it! Well, that's the spirit! $CODENAME //(sad)// Thanks. GOONARONNIE Or should I say, "That's the soul!" $CODENAME No, you don't-- GOONARONNIE Oh, I almost forgot. I brought you something to eat. Goonaronnie throws a lunch box at $Codename, who receives it in the face while being too focused on imagining being in a candy store with infinite money.](show: ?SIX)] (link: "$Codename reacts with anger.")[(replace: ?QIX)[$CODENAME //(enraged)// You better let me out of here right now! To make a point, $Codename kicks the nearest wall using the foot that is chained to the opposite wall. $Codename's kick is so powerful that the brick on which the chain is attached gets ripped off the wall, flies through the air, and hits $Codename in the back of the head. $CODENAME //(in pain)// God damnit! GOONARONNIE Well, that proves that anger has a strong kick-back! Huh? See what I did there? $CODENAME //(still in pain!)// Fuck you! GOONARONNIE Ok, sure, whatever. Oh, I almost forgot, I brought you something to eat. Goonaronnie throws a lunchbox at $Codename, who receives it in the face while being too focused on checking for a concussion.](show: ?SIX)] (link: "$Codename reacts to the pollen in the air.")[(replace: ?QIX)[$Codename sneezes. GOONARONNIE Bless you. $CODENAME Thanks. Sorry, it's that damn pollen in the air. GOONARONNIE //(handing some pills to $Codename)// Here, take that. It's an antihistaminic. $CODENAME No thanks, I'm not racist. GOONARONNIE Whatever. Oh, I almost forgot, I brought you something to eat. Goonaronnie throws a lunchbox at $Codename, who receives it in the face while being too focused on performing a "don't get caught wiping your nose with the back of your hand" move.](show: ?SIX)]] |SIX)[$CODENAME Ow! GOONARONNIE Well, got to skeddaddle! Bye. Goonaronnie walks straight into the wall, face first into the bars. GOONARONNIE Oh, that's right. I can't access the door through the wall. Silly me! Goonaronnie walks away. $CODENAME I've got to get out of here and save JayMan.(show: ?QX)] |QX)[(link: "$Codename has a ludicrous plan that cannot work in any way.")[(replace: ?QX)[$Codename runs to the window. $CODENAME //(shouting)// Goonaronnie, wait, come here! GOONARONNIE //(walking back to the window)// Yes? $CODENAME Can you give me the keys of the prison? GOONARONNIE Sure. Waiiiiit. You're not planning on saving JayMan, are you? $CODENAME Me? No!!!! Pff! GOONARONNIE Ok, then. //(throws the keys in the cell)// There you go. But no saving JayMan. Goonaronnie walks away. $CODENAME Wow.](show: ?SX)] (link: "$Codename is the luckiest bastard ever.")[(replace: ?QX)[$Codename's stomach growls. $CODENAME //(to its stomach)// Yeah, good point. Let's eat some before we move on. $Codename opens the lunchbox. There's a big set of keys. $CODENAME You've got to be kidding me. $Codename tries to unlock the shackles with ont of the keys, which works. $CODENAME Wow. Just... wow. SHOT of Goonaronnie trying to unlock a random door with a sandwich, to no avail. GOONARONNIE Damn it. I brought the wrong set of sandwich.](show: ?SX)] (link: "$Codename does the thing everybody wishes would work in real life.")[(replace: ?QX)[Something on the floor catches $Codename's attention. $CODENAME Is that? $Codename picks up the thing. $CODENAME Well I'll be damned! It's a "GET OUT OF JAIL" card from the very popular board game that won't be named for legal reasons. $CODENAME I wonder if... $Codename tries to unlock the door by shimmying the lock with the "GET OUT OF JAIL" card. It works. $CODENAME //(laughing)// Wow, that was almost to easy. $Codename heads out the cell, only to be stopped by the chains. $CODENAME Damn it. $Codename begins to patiently saw the chain with the "GET OUT OF JAIL" card.](show: ?SX)]] |SX)[ (link: "SCENE 3.")[SCENE 3. RIGHT OUTSIDE VALENTINA'S DINING ROOM. $Codename is sneaking in a corridor in Valentina's Mansion. It's a very old, very disgusting place. The walls are moldy. Rats seem to own the place. $Codename arrives face-to-face with a gargantuesquely big wooden door. On it, a sign that says "DINING ROOM". Beneath it, a lit neon sign that says "IN USE". We hear muffled voices from inside the dining room.(show: ?QXI)]] |QXI)[(link: "$Codename sneaks into the dining room.")[(replace: ?QXI)[$Codename carefully opens the door just enough to be able to sneak in the dining room. Inside, $Codename crawls along the walls in a very stealthy way. The dining room is grandiose, magnificent, filled with antique furnitures colored in reddish red, dark black and golden gold. CLOSE-UP on Valentina's face, who is eating blackberries. She's wearing a thick layer of white face powder, with a dark black lipstick. Her teeth are also black, but not necessarily because of the lipstick nor the blackberries. VALENTINA //(her mouth full of food and bacterias)// Hmmm, that's so good in the mouth. Ain't it, my little Jaymanesque cutty pie? SHOT of Valentina in all her splendor, which is not a lot of it. She has long black greasy hair. She's wearing a red and black dress, very gothic, much unoriginal. At the other end of the table, JayMan is seated in front of a plate of pudding, wearing only a diaper. He's not eating. That might have to do with the fact that he's tied to the chair with barbwires. VALENTINA What's the matter, my little love bunny? You're not hungry? JayMan stares at her with death in his eyes. VALENTINA Wait a second, my little puffy unicorn, mommy's gonna help you eat. She slides her chair and herself towards JayMan. CUE HORRIBLE SCREECHING SOUND. SHOT of $Codename being hurt by the sound, as if pissing on an electric fence. JAYMAN Come on, you're not gonna-- VALENTINA Oh yes, I'm gonna. Mommy's got to take care of her rainbowy love muffin! JAYMAN Look, I'm sure we can come to some sort of-- Valentina takes a spoonfull of pudding and brings it to JayMan's mouth with the supple grace of a car crash. JayMan refuses to eat the pudding by firmly closing his overdevelopped lips. Goonaronnie and Goonderbar grab JayMan by the shoulders to hold him in place. VALENTINA //(forcing the spoon inside JayMan by climbing on him and pushing with all her weight)// Come on, my little JayJay. The pudding band wagon wants to get into your moisty foisty mouth grotto! JAYMAN //(resisting)// Hmmm, hmmmmm! VALENTINA Come on, now! In a desperate effort, Valentina gets back a couple of steps, then charges JayMan with the spoonful of pudding. $Codename jumps from the shadows, and in SLOW MOTION, flies between JayMan and Valentina screaming "Noooooooooo!", thus taking the spoonful right in the mouth. $Codename falls on the floor. JAYMAN Hey, buddy. How you doing? VALENTINA Who's that? What happened? $Codename gets up, tasting the pudding. $CODENAME Wow, that's... that is good pudding. VALENTINA It is. $CODENAME It has this distinct taste of pure maternal love! VALENTINA Oh, you are so kind. Not like this JayMan. //(to Goonaroonie)// I don't want that JayMan anymore. Take it away! JAYMAN //(apathic)// Oh, no, please. Do not take me away from her. No. I can't... Goonaronnie drags the chair and JayMan away. $CODENAME //(still in awe for the pudding)// This makes me realize... I never had a mother! VALENTINA Well, these times are over. You are now my child, and everyday, you'll get my homemade pudding that I make with my own breast milk. $CODENAME Your what?](show: ?SXI)] (link: "$Codename spies on the voices.")[(replace: ?QXI)[$Codename looks around for something to help listening at the door, and finds a banana, a pair of scissors, and a portrait of the Queen of England on a table. Without thinking, $Codename picks up the (either: "banana", "scissors", "Queen of England") and sticks it on the door to listen to the voices. But the voices are still muffled. Disappointed, $Codename crouches on the ground to try and listen through the crack underneath the door. Meanwhile, a pair of legs appear behind $Codename. DISPOSABLE GUARD Heum, heum! $Codename freezes, then slowly turns around, sees the guard, and stupidly smiles. $CODENAME //(waving stupidly)// Oh, hi there. Didn't hear you coming. DISPOSABLE GUARD Can I help you with anything? $CODENAME No, no, I was just on my way. Have a nice day! $Codename waves goodbye, and leaves the corridor by walking backwards into the door that leads into the dining room. The dining room is grandiose, magnificent, filled with antique furnitures colored in reddish red, dark black and golden gold. Inside, $Codename turns around to discover JayMan dressed as a baby with a huge diaper, tied down to a chair with barbedwire and forcefully held by Goonaronnie and Goonderbar, while Valentina Destroy, a very disgusting woman in a very gothic and very unoriginal red and black dress and a thick layer of white make up and black lipstick, is on him, trying to force down his throat what appears to be a spoonful of homemade pudding. $CODENAME What the fuck? Everybody freezes to look at $Codename. VALENTINA Who are you? $CODENAME I'm $Codename, JayMan's Side Kick, but if I'm interrupting something, I can come back. VALENTINA You, a Side Kick? You look like you couldn't even be a side-step! GOONARONNIE //((laughing hysterically)// Side-step! That's a good one! //(to Goonaronnie)// I don't get it. $CODENAME I'm JayMan's side-kick, and I don't need you validation to feel good about myself. VALENTINA Oh, such a strong character. I like that. She inspects $Codename closely. VALENTINA On second thought, you look good. Great jaw line, long fingers to play the banjo... //(to JayMan)// Do you mind if I take this $Codename as my baby instead of you? JAYMAN //(overly sarcastic)// Oh, yeah, sure, please, by all means, take my Side Kick away! VALENTINA //(not catching the sarcasm)// Goonaronnie, Goonderbar, take that no good JayMan away. Mommy has to take care of her new baby. $CODENAME Wait, don't I have my word to say in that? VALENTINA ... no. Goonaronnie and Goonderbar drag away the chair on which JayMan is still tied to, while Valentina dresses $Codename as a baby. JAYMAN //(apathic)// No, please, do not take me away from this nightmare! VALENTINA //(to $Codename)// Here, have some pudding. $CODENAME No thanks. VALENTINA Come on, eat it. It's full of maternal love. $Codename takes a mouthful of pudding. VALENTINA I made it with my own breastmilk.](show: ?SXI)] (link: "$Codename Jean-Claude-Van-Dammes the shit out of the situation.")[(replace: ?QXI)[$Codename steps back a couple of steps, then begins hyping. $CODENAME //(building hype)// Ok. Ok. //(couple short breaths)// I can do this! //(does the sign of the cross)// Ok. Ok. //(kisses a lucky rabbit foot with the tattoo of a four leafs clover)// Ok. Go! $Codename knocks down the door. Which doesn't knock down. $Codename is hurt. $CODENAME Ah, God, I killed my shoulder. //(shouting at the door)// You stupid door! With the force of the insult, the door is blown apart in a big explosion. $CODENAME //(surprised)// Ok, whatever works! Inside, the dining room is grandiose, magnificent, filled with antique furnitures colored in reddish red, dark black and golden gold. $Codename rushes inside the dining room, only to see JayMan dressed as a baby with a huge diaper, tied down to a chair with barbedwire and forcefully held by Goonaronnie and Goonderbar, while a very disgusting VALENTINA DESTROY in a very gothic and very unoriginal red and black dress and a thick layer of white make-up and black lipstick is on him, trying to force down his throat what appears to be a spoonful of homemade pudding. $CODENAME What the hell? Startled and surprised by the sudden explosion, Valentina throws the spoon at $Codename, and misses by a mile. The spoon lands exactly between $Codename and the Goons. JAYMAN No time to explain. $Codename, quick, get the spoon! VALENTINA Goonaronnie, Goonderbar, protect the spoon! $CODENAME I'm on it! GOONARONNIE and GOONDERBAR We're on it! $Codename, Goonaronnie and Goonderbar rush the spoon, screaming like mad monkeys in a washing machine. They get to it at the same time, bend down to grab it at the same time, and end up hitting their heads together at the same time. They all fall on the ground at the same time, unconscious. JAYMAN and VALENTINA Really!? VALENTINA //(to JayMan)// Don't move. SHOT of JayMan tied to the chair. Valentina walks to the unconscious body of $Codename. VALENTINA //(still talking to JayMan)// Who's that? JAYMAN It's $Codename, my Side Kick. VALENTINA I see. She looks gravely at $Codename. VALENTINA Such great strenght of character. A perfect jaw line. Long fingers to play the piccolo. //(to JayMan)// You know what, JayMan? I think that this $Codename of yours will make a much better child than you. //(to her goons)// Goonaronnie, Goonderbar, take that no-good JayMan back to his cell. SHOT of the Goons unconscious on the floor. VALENTINA Right... JayMan, take yourself back to your cell. JAYMAN Well, you haven't heard the last of me! JayMan goes away by jumping forward with the chair with great difficulty.](show: ?SXI)]] |SXI)[ (link: "SCENE 4.")[SCENE 4. BACK IN THE CELL. JayMan is laying in the bed. We hear kids playing outside. JAYMAN //(crying his life like a big baby)// Oh, $Codename, my dearest, fidelest, most belovedest Side Kick. Will I ever see you again? How can I save you!? //(suddenly stops crying)// Oh, maybe if I do this! JayMan touches his (either: "nose", "ear", "knee", "shoulder", "right big toe", "left triceps", "tongue"). Nothing happens. JAYMAN //(resuming the crying)// Oh god, I'm all out of ideas. ADELAIDE, a young girl about 5 years old, appears in the window. ADELAIDE Why are you crying? Surprised, JayMan jumps straight in the bed. JAYMAN I'm not crying!! I'm an adult, with adult teeth and a retirement fund! ADELAIDE Do you want to come play outside with me and my friends? JAYMAN What friends!? He walks to the window and sees a playground filled with children playing around. The playground is surrounded by a huge barbwire fence. JAYMAN Why the fence? ADELAIDE That's because they don't want us to run away without having found parents. JAYMAN What!? What parents? ADELAIDE The parents we don't have. We're all orphans. Valentina storms into the prison cell. Goonaronnie and Goonderbar are right behind, carrying a chained up $Codename. VALENTINA My litlle JayJay that I love as much as I love cotton candy with whipped cream on top, after careful consideration, I decided to choose you as my child, because this Side Kick of yours is just plain terrible. JAYMAN What did $Codename do?(show: ?QXII)]] |QXII)[(link: "$Codename was mean.")[(replace: ?QXII)[$CODENAME //(proud)// I told her she's so stupid, she needed a tutorial to do paint-by-number. VALENTINA Well, these are hard. You have to match numbers to colors, now? Who do they think I am? Baby Rammstein? GOONDERBAR //(to $Codename)// I'm pretty sure she meant Einstein.](show: ?SXII)] (link: "$Codename was deferent.")[(replace: ?QXII)[$CODENAME //(with a sudden british accent)// Please, mother, I was only trying to express you my love and respect. VALENTINA Oh, shut up! No one is that kind with a mom! $CODENAME Oh, dearest mother. You look tensed and stressed. Would you like me to bring you a warm cup of chamomile? VALENTINA //(in a crescendo of rage)// No! I want you to be not kind, and throw tantrums and stuff around so I can come and comfort you and feel that, for once in my life, I'm a good mom that is useful to someone! $CODENAME But mother, you are a wonderful woman, a valid individual, and a loving and caring mother. You don't need anyone to embetter your life. You're perfect just the way you are! VALENTINA I'm gonna puke. $CODENAME Quick, Goonaronnie, mother is feeling unwell. Please fetch a bucket and a wet towel. GOONARONNIE Ok, but I don't get how it's going to help her get better if you slap her on the butt with a wet towel.](show: ?SXII)] (link: "$Codename was rude.")[(replace: ?QXII)[VALENTINA This $Codename is so rude! $CODENAME No I'm not! VALENTINA Yes, you are! You won't stop interrup-- $CODENAME I never interrupt you. VALENTINA You're doing it right now! $CODENAME No I'm not. VALENTINA Anyways, JayMan, I was wonder-- $CODENAME Wrong! VALENTINA Stop it! $CODENAME You stop it!](show: ?SXII)]] |SXII)[VALENTINA Anyways, JayMan, take your horrible Side Kick back, and become my dear baby, will you? JAYMAN Are you completely brainless? VALENTINA //(caught off guard)// What, heu, hrrm, huh? JAYMAN You have me and $Codename kidnapped because you want a kid. VALENTINA //(not sure where this is going)// Yes? JAYMAN And you live right besides a huge orphenage! $CODENAME What? VALENTINA And? JAYMAN What do you mean, "and"? VALENTINA Well, where are you going with this? $CODENAME Wow. //(muttering)// Ok, now I swear this has to be a world record of "wow". JAYMAN //(slowly)// You want a kid, yet you live right besides a place full of kids who want a mommy. VALENTINA Yes. But I don't get it. $CODENAME //(to JayMan)// She's actually making you look smart! JAYMAN Shut up! //(to Valentina)// Can we go, now? VALENTINA Not as long as I don't have a sweet child of mine. $CODENAME //(singing)// Oh, oh, oh, oh, sweet-- JAYMAN and VALENTINA Shut up! JayMan turns Valentina's face towards the window. JAYMAN There. You see them? Kids, over there! VALENTINA I know! I see them every day. But I'm not gonna steal a kid. GOONDERBAR //(to Goonaronnie)// This is going to take a long time. GOONARONNIE Yeah. Who's up for ice cream and a game of backgammon? $CODENAME Count me in! They leave. The camera slowly zooms back as they keep arguing. JAYMAN You don't steal it, you adopt it. All those kids, you can adopt them all if you want. All of them. Him. Her. Anyone! VALENTINA Oh, ok! But why would I do that, smarty pants? JAYMAN Damn, you're stupid. VALENTINA Don't talk like that to your mother! JAYMAN But you're not my mom!!! VALENTINA What? After all I did for you? You ungrateful child! JAYMAN Arrrrrgh! While JayMan and Valentina keep on arguing, we hear a NARRATOR. NARRATOR Eventually, Valentina married a Prince Charming who spent twenty years of his life trying to explain to her the concept of adoption. (link: "--THE END--")[(goto: "Universe")]]

[ ] =><= THE ADVENTURES OF JAYMAN Episode 0 : THE TUTORIAL Written by JAYMAN <= Hey there, $Codename. Welcome to this quick tutorial, where you'll learn how to read the scripts. To begin, click the link below. [ ] |SI>[(link: "SCENE 1.")[(replace: ?SI)[SCENE 1. THIS IS WHERE THE ACTION IS HAPPENING. The scene's title tells you where the action is happening. A new scene means that we're moving to another location. Normal text, as the one you're reading right now, gives you ACTIONS and DESCRIPTIONS of what's happening. Example : JayMan trips and falls. This means that JayMan trips and falls. NARRATOR //(sarcastic)// What!? You understood that by yourself!? Ladies and gentlemen, we're dealing with a real genius here! What was that? That was a block of dialogue. It has three parts. THE NAME OF THE CHARACTER //(some optional information)// The actual dialogue. The information in parentheses can tell you what the character is doing, or to whom it's talking. But it's optional, so don't do a panic attack if it's not there. NARRATOR Before you leave, one last-- Yes, one last thing. In dialogues, a double-dash means that the character has been interrupted mid sentence. NARRATOR //(desperately trying to be funny)// It has nothing to do with Super Mario Kart Double-- Oh please shut up! So there you go. You know all you have to know to read the scripts. And when you make it to the last line, just click on (link: "--THE END--")[(goto: "Universe")] to be brought back to the main menu.]]]

###QUICK NEWS (color: "green")[JUNE. 15th, 2021 =>] While waiting for the next interactive movie-script, you can check my (link: "POINTLESS WRITINGS")[(goto: "Pointless")], a collection of humorous essays about random stuff. (color: "green")[JAN. 15th, 2021 =>] You can now watch the (link: "EPISODE 3 : CALCULATHOR")[(goto: "calculathor")] in your mind thinggy! I found neat ways to use variables to make your choices have a bit more impact on the story. (color: "green")[JAN. 11th, 2021 =>] I've added a (link: "QUICK TUTORIAL")[(goto: "TUTORIAL")] for those who don't know how to read movie scripts.

=><= <h1 style="font-size:40px;">THE ADVENTURES OF JAYMAN</h1> <h1 style="font-size:30px;">Episode 3 : CALCULATHOR</h1> <h1 style="font-size:20px;">Written by "$Codename"</h1> <= |SI>[(link: "SCENE 1")[(replace:?SI)[SCENE 1. A BIG, RICH, MANSIONNY MANSION IN THE AFTERNOON. JAYMAN and $CODENAME are standing in front of a big, rich, mansionny mansion, in a big rich mansionny neighborhood. It's sunny. Their faces are facing a big, rich, mansionny door, while their backs are facing the camera.](show: ?QI)]] |QI)[(link: "$Codename is chill.")[(replace: ?QI)[$CODENAME You know, buddy, even though this is hands down the shittiest plan ever, it's still a beautiful day to try it out. JAYMAN Shitty? That's the best plan ever created by humankind... or humankindness... or even the Loch-humankind-Ness Monster!](show: ?TI)] (link: "$Codename is freaking out.")[(replace: ?QI)[$CODENAME //(freaking out)// Oh man. This has to be the very most stupid, doomed to fail plan I've ever been involved in. JAYMAN Yo, calm down, buddy. It's a gracious, well designed plan. Everything's gonna work out. $CODENAME Yeah? And what if it doesn't, huh? You ever thought about that? What if she kills us? And cooks us? And eats us, with mayonnaise!? You know I hate mayonnaise!](show: ?TI)] (link: "$Codename is sad.")[(replace: ?QI)[$CODENAME //(looking at the big rich mansion with sad puppy eyes)// Why? Why can't I be that rich!? And throw banquets? And throw banquet leftovers at my servants!? JAYMAN Don't despair, my friend. In a minute, we'll be a couple bucks closer to being that rich. $CODENAME Oh, yeah, sure, with your plan, that's gonna take us so much closer to being rich. The same way that if I jump, I'll get that much closer to the moon. JAYMAN You are so pessimistic. And the sad part is, you'll never change.](show: ?TI)]] |TI)[JayMan rings the bell. CUE SOUND of tubular bells playing the intro to AC/DC "Hell's Bells". $CODENAME That plan ain't gonna work out. The big, rich, mansionny door opens, revealing MARILYN MANSION, a big, rich, mansionny old woman. MARILYN MANSION //(with a rich old woman voice)// The fuck you want!? JAYMAN //(super enthusiastic)// My dear lady. Today is your lucky day of the luckiest luck. Cry no more, stop weeping, quit being sad. Otherwise, my sidekick will have to perform the little happy dance of happiness. //(to $Codename)// Quick, $Codename, show the Rich Old Woman your little happy dance of happiness! (show: ?QII)] |QII)[(link: "$Codename complies, but without commitment.")[(replace: ?QII)[With an overdramatic sigh, $Codename begins to twerk in the Rich Old Woman's face. MARILYN MANSION This has to be the saddest moment of my life. JAYMAN Don't you mean the happiest saddest moment of your life? Huh? HUH!?](show: ?TII)] (link: "$Codename refuses.")[(replace: ?QII)[$Codename stares blankly at JayMan. JAYMAN //(slightly embarassed)// Come on, don't embarass me in front of the Rich Old Woman! $Codename stares blankly at JayMan. JAYMAN //(slightly more embarassed)// Come on, $Codename. You practiced it. $Codename stares blankly at JayMan. JAYMAN //(ever so slightly more embarassed)// C'mon! If you do it, I'll give you a piece of licorice.](show: ?TII)] (link: "$Codename complies.")[(replace: ?QII)[$CODENAME Oh yeah. Time to shine! With a healthy dose of vitamin enthusiasm, $Codename twerks in Marilyn Mansion's face. $CODENAME //(twerking like no one's watching)// Ooh yeah. Happy happy joy joy! She stares blankly at $Codename.](show: ?TII)]] |TII)[MARILYN MANSION What the fuck is that all about!? JAYMAN Lady, we have found... //(dramatic pause)// Your lost cat! With an over-the-top winning smile, JayMan pulls a white cat in the frame. MARILYN MANSION This is not my fucking cat. $CODENAME //(to JayMan)// Told you it wouldn't work. JAYMAN //(to the Rich Old Woman)// Wait a minute. What do you mean, it's not your cat? MARILYN MANSION What do //you// mean, "what do I mean"? This cat is not my fucking cat.(show: ?QIII)] |QIII)[(link: "$Codename wants to bail out.")[(replace: ?QIII)[$CODENAME Look, JayMan, let's get out of here, like right now, ok? C'mon! I'm freaking out, dude! JayMan bitch-slaps $Codename in the face.](show: ?TIII)] (link: "$Codename says nothing.")[(replace: ?QIII)[$CODENAME //(with a "I'm gonna murder someone" face)// ... JAYMAN Good thinking, $Codename. I'll handle this. $CODENAME //(with a "We're doomed" face)// ...](show: ?TIII)] (link: "$Codename is sorry.")[(replace: ?QIII)[$CODENAME I'm so sorry we disturbed you, ma'am. We're on our way. If you want, I'll even call the cops on us!](show: ?TIII)]] |TIII)[JAYMAN Don't you worry, $Codename. I've got this under control. JayMan takes out a "Lost cat" ad from his pocket. He unfolds it, and shoves it in Marilyn Mansion's face. JAYMAN Look? In this hand, an ad saying that a cat has been lost. See? It has your address here. And a picture of a cat. Now, look in my other hand. What do I have? Oh, simply the furry bag of purr that happens to be the cat in the picture that is on the lost cat ad that leads to your big, rich, fucking mansionny house! MARILYN MANSION Are you a fucking moron? JAYMAN //(to $Codename)// Don't answer that. MARILYN MANSION The cat in the picture is black. The one you hold is white. JAYMAN Hmmm... I believe it evolved from black fur to white fur to increase its ability to blend in its environment, thus increasing its chances of survival. Anyways, can I have the reward, now? MARILYN MANSION No! The address on the flyer is not even my address. JAYMAN I believe your address evolved to this new address in order to-- MARILYN MANSION Shut up, you patently fucking idiot. Look. My cat is here, right now, in my big, rich, mansionny old husband's arms. In the background, CHARLES MANSION is joyfully petting a big, rich, mansionny cat. CHARLES MANSION //(with a surprising southern accent)// I like to pet a pet. And I bet that Beth also likes to pet a pet! MARILYN MANSION See? See that cat? That's my fucking cat. So get the fuck out of my property before I call the fucking cops on ya! She slams the door shut. JAYMAN //(genuinely surprised)// Wow. Who knew that rich old women could be so rude?(show: ?QIV)] |QIV)[(link:"$Codename wants to get rid of the cat in a lawful good way.")[(replace: ?QIV)[$CODENAME Well, I guess we should get rid of the cat. JAYMAN Yeah, good thinking. //(to the cat)// Sorry, kitty pie, but I don't want to get stuck with fur balls all over my lair. $CODENAME Let's give it to these orphans. SHOT of two obviously very poor orphans, standing right behind them, looking at the cat with "me wantee" eyes. JAYMAN Yeah, good thinking. //(to the orphans)// Here, take good care of it! He throws the cat in their faces and walks away. TIMMY THE ORPHAN Great! We have something to eat tonight! ](set: $align to 0)(show: ?TIV)] (link: "$Codename wants to keep the cat.")[(replace: ?QIV)[$CODENAME Well, I guess we have a cat, now! JAYMAN What? We're not keeping that Great Balls of Fur. $CODENAME Why not? JAYMAN Because they run away. And abandon me. Just like my great-great-great-great-great-grand-mother. $CODENAME Yeah, but-- JAYMAN Now, if it was a dog, that'd be another story. Dogs don't run away. Because they're stupid. They want to be enslaved. Cats are intelligent. They want freedom. So let's give it to this poor creature. $CODENAME But. But-- JAYMAN //(walking away)// All right. But you're the one eating the fur balls! $CODENAME Nice! //(to the cat)// You hear that? I'm ona eat you fur ballz!! KITTY Miaow. $CODENAME Deal! (link-reveal: "And I think I'm gonna call you...")[(show: ?NAME)] |NAME)[(set: $cat to (either: "Little Führer", "Furry Pie", "Hero Kitty", "Dang FURnace", "Fur Bag", "Crap Machine", "Disfurnisher", "InFURious Bastard", "Great Balls of Fur", "FURannosaurus Rex", "Mr. Furlong", "Madam Furlong", "Cat and Furious", "Fur is Murder"))(colour: green)[//Enter a name for the cat, or leave empty for a random name.//]{<input type="text" data-varname="Cat"> <script>processInputElements();</script>} (link: "UPDATE THE CAT'S NAME!")[(set: $CAT to (uppercase: $cat))(set: $Cat to (upperfirst: $cat))(set: $hasCat to 1)(replace: ?NAME)[(show: ?TIV)](append: "you...")[ $Cat!]]]]] (link: "$Codename wants to get rid of the cat in a chaotic evil way.")[(replace: ?QIV)[$CODENAME //(talking evily to the cat)// And now, there's the matter of what to do with you, little kitty. $Codename walks slowly towards JayMan, arms slowly stretching to slowly and dramatically grab the cat. CUE SOUND of a choir of the damned singing some damned good evilish chant. JayMan suddenly pulls the cat away, breaking the mood. JAYMAN Hey! What are you doing? $CODENAME //(candid)// Grabbing the cat to sacrifice it to Hades, Ruler of the Underworld and King of the Deads. JAYMAN Oh, ok. Have fun. He gives the cat to $Codename and walks away. While he's talking, in the background, we see $Codename doing a satanic ritual while shouting random words in greek. ](set: $align to 1)(show: ?TIV)]]|TIV)[(if: $hasCat is 1)[$CAT Miaow! ]JAYMAN Great! Now, we have to find some way to make money, or we'll get kicked out of the lair by mister "Pay Your Rent, You Down And Out Loser".(if: $hasCat is 1)[ Plus, we have to find a way to feed stupid $Cat... maybe breastfeeding!?] (show: ?SII)] |SII)[(link: "SCENE 2")[SCENE 2. INSIDE JAYMAN'S SECRET LAIR. JayMan and $Codename are back to the lair. JayMan is pacing in the crappy one-room appartment. I mean... the very cool secret lair! He seems very anxious. (if: $hasCat is 1)[$Codename is petting $Cat. ](show: ?QV)]] |QV)[(link: "$Codename says nothing.")[(replace: ?QV)[$Codename stares silently at JayMan pacing around the place. JayMan seems to be more and more irritated by $Codename staring at him. JAYMAN //(bursting)// Well, don't just sit in silence, you creep. Say something! $CODENAME Well, if there's anything I can do to help-- JAYMAN You're not helping. Shut up! Let me think. $Codename shuts up, insulted(if: $hasCat is 1)[, and rage-pets $Cat].](show: ?TV)] (link: "$Codename wonders what JayMan is thinking.")[(replace: ?QV)[$CODENAME So, what's on your mind, buddy? JAYMAN I'm trying to figure a way to not get kicked out of the lair. Isn't it obvious? $CODENAME Well, how am I supposed to know that? I can't read in your mind! JAYMAN Yeah, I know, because I'm the one who has mind reading powers! $CODENAME Yeah right. Prove it! JAYMAN //(reading $Codename's mind)// You think I'm an idiot that doesn't have mind reading powers. $CODENAME Lucky guess!](set: $shut to 1)(show: ?TV)] (link: "$Codename wants to know what they're gonna do now.")[(replace: ?QV)[$CODENAME So, what are we gonna do now? JAYMAN What do you mean, "we"? I'm the one doing all the thinking and planning and plotting, here! $CODENAME Oh, yeah. Great plans. Like trying to pass a random stray cat to a rich woman to make a couple of bucks! (if: $hasCat is 1)[$CAT //(in approbation)// Miaow! ]JAYMAN At least, I'm trying to do stuff! I'm using my superior mind-thingy to keep us out of the gutter! $CODENAME //(sarcastic)// Yeah, you have so much street-smart! JAYMAN I sure do. Look outside, you'll see. My smart is brained all over the street! $CODENAME That makes no sense.](set: $shut to 1)(show: ?TV)]] |TV)[JAYMAN (if: $shut is 1)[Shut up! ]Now, we need money for the rent. And fast. According to my calculations, the rent is due sometime this month. $CODENAME You don't say. JAYMAN Yeah, I do say. Let's just hope I'm wrong. (show: ?QVI)] |QVI)[(link: "$Codename suggests an irrational solution.")[(replace: ?QVI)[$CODENAME Maybe we could start a career of street performance. Like, circus stuff, you know? Eating fire, swallowing swords, breathing snakes... juggling fiery snakes. (if: $hasCat is 1)[We could train $Cat to do some tricks, like backflips, or licking its ass while performing a front-paw stand.] JAYMAN //(unsure)// I don't know... $CODENAME And our name would be... Arctic Circus. JAYMAN //(sure)// That's a hard no. $CODENAME But-- JAYMAN This is hopeless.](show: ?TVI)] (link: "$Codename suggests a rational solution.")[(replace: ?QVI)[$CODENAME We could invest money in the stock market, you know? Some technobabble about buying and selling stock stuff quick to make quick money and stuff. You know, spend money to make money! JAYMAN Quit being so irrational. We need money to spend money to make money. Wait! Can we spend toilet paper to make money? But then, we still would need money to buy toilet paper. This is hopeless.](show: ?TVI)] (link: "$Codename suggests a solution so far-fetched, it will hurt your soul.")[(replace: ?QVI)[$CODENAME Maybe you could get a job. JAYMAN Wow. Where do you get those fucked up ideas!? $CODENAME Mostly drugs. JAYMAN Well, that's the most stupidest idea that has ever been stupided to me. I can't have a job. I'm too lazy. This is hopeless.](show: ?TVI)]] |TVI)[$CODENAME Speaking of hopeless, you know that life never closes a door without first opening a window? JAYMAN Meaning? $CODENAME Meaning, you should open a window. It stinks in here. JAYMAN Hey, I told you, I'm broke. I can't afford to clean the place. But yeah, good idea for the window. I might have an incoming message! JayMan opens the window. CUE SOUND of birds chirping. JAYMAN Oh yeah, there it is. //(to $Codename)// Watch out, we have an incoming message! $CODENAME What? $Codename gets closer to the window, only to be viciously attacked in the face by a pigeon flying straight into the lair. $CODENAME //(fighting the pigeon)// Get it off my face! Get it off my face! PIGEON //(with a pigeon voice)// Rouh, rouh. I rhave a merssage for ryou!(show: ?QVII)] |QVII)[(link: "$Codename is scared.")[(replace: ?QVII)[JAYMAN Quick, $Codename, grab my message! The pigeon tries to eat $Codename's face. $CODENAME //(curled up in fetal position)// AAAaaaaAAaaaaaAaAAAaaaaAAAaaAaaaaaAAAH! JAYMAN Wow, how did I got stuck with such a wimp!? Calmly, JayMan grabs the pigeon, removes the message tied to its leg, then throws the bird out the window. JAYMAN Now, you see? It's all over now. You can get up and stop crying like it's New Years eve. $Codename slowly gets up. $CODENAME //(suspicious)// Why do I have the feeling that you're about to do a cheap trick to make fun of me, like throwing a fake pigeon in my face? JAYMAN Cuz you're paranoid. Why would I throw a fake pigeon in your face... when I can throw the real one! JayMan fake throws a pigeon in $Codename's face. $Codename screams in terror. JAYMAN Ha. Sucker.](show: ?TVII)] (if: $hasCat is 1)[(link: "$Cat makes itself useful.")[(replace: ?QVII)[JAYMAN Quick. We've got to grab my message. $CAT //(confident)// Miaow! PIGEON //(to $Cat)// Fruck ryou! The pigeon flies all over the lair. $CAT //(whispering to JayMan)// Miaow miao miou, miaow miaow! JAYMAN All right! //(to the pigeon)// Hey, you, over here. PIGEON Rhou? JAYMAN Yeah, you, you unmannered filthy bag of manure! Over here! The pigeon flies towards JayMan's face. Coward, JayMan uses $Codename's face as a shield. $CODENAME AAAAAAaaAAaaaaaAAaaaaaah! In a flash, $Cat jumps from the desk and snatches the pigeon, right before it tears off $Codename's face. $CAT //(with the pigeon in its mouth)// Miaow. $CODENAME Good cat. $Cat eats the pigeon in a gulp, then spits out the message that was tied to its leg. The message is covered in blood. JAYMAN //(to $Codename)// Make yourself useful, pick that up! $CODENAME Why me? JAYMAN It's a sidekick job, duh! $CODENAME I hate you. $Codename picks up the bloody message and hands it to JayMan.](show: ?TVII)]](else:)[(link: "$Codename thinks about the cat.")[(replace: ?QVII)[JAYMAN Quick, we've got to catch my message! $CODENAME If only we had kept the cat, it would have catched that pigeon in a snap. JAYMAN (if: $align is 0)[Well, if you want to deny these orphans their dinner, suit you. Otherwise, you have a pigeon to catch!](if: $align is 1)[Too bad you had to satisfy your lust of blood, and sacrifice this poor thing to Kthulu! $CODENAME It was Hades. JAYMAN Yeah, I'm sure this nuance will help you catch that pigeon now!] $CODENAME Me? JAYMAN That's a sidekick job. $CODENAME God I hate you. $Codename unwillingly tries to catch the pigeon. $CODENAME //(to the pigeon)// Here, you flying flea market. PIGEON Fruck ryou! In a swift move, $Codename snatches the pigeon, takes the message tied to its leg, and throws the bird out the window. $CODENAME Go fruck ryourself! JayMan snatches the message from $Codename's hand.](show: ?TVII)]] (link: "$Codename is brave.")[(replace: ?QVII)[JAYMAN Quick, we've got to grab my message! $CODENAME Don't worry, I've got this under control. JAYMAN //(resigned)// Ok! JayMan sits at his desk, opens the computer, and begins to play MineCraft. The pigeon flies and lands on the side of the bed. $CODENAME //(to the pigeon)// Come here, you feathered poop bomber. PIGEON Fruck ryou! $CODENAME So that's how you want it! JAYMAN //(still playing MineCraft)// Hey, do you remember the recipe to craft a cart filled with TNT? $Codename jumps on the pigeon, but it flies away. $Codename's head hits the wall. $CODENAME Damn! JAYMAN Cart filled with TNT? Nothing? $CODENAME //(to the pigeon)// I'll get you! PIGEON Rouh! The pigeon lands on JayMan's head. $Codename grabs a plastic bag, and sneaks behind JayMan. PIGEON Rouh? JAYMAN //(to the pigeon)// No! With TNT! In a swift move, $Codename catches the pigeon (and JayMan's head) in the bag. $CODENAME Gotcha! PIGEON Rouh!! JAYMAN //(choking)// Really, $Codename, you're not helping. I've got a mine to craft. $Codename takes the message tied to the pigeon's leg, then throws the pigeon out the window. The pigeon, still in the bag, falls to its death. JayMan grabs the message in $Codename's hand.](show: ?TVII)]] |TVII)[$CODENAME I don't want to intrude in your private life, but why the fuck do you have your messages delivered by pigeon? JAYMAN Cuz it's cheaper than smoke signals, duh! JayMan unrolls the message. An hologram appears, showing a man in a pinstripe suit. HOLOGRAM Good whatever moment of the day you're watching this. Dear Mr. JayMan, we are proud to inform you that you have been selected to participate in an international math contest. Our own very advanced algorythms have identified you as the only person in all known universes to have the mathematical abilities to be a worthy opponent to CalculaThor, the red headed human that computes numbers at lightning speed. And you could be winning money big time! JAYMAN Nice! $CODENAME That can't be right. It smells like a trap. JAYMAN Really? //(he sniffs the hologram)// Because it smells like pigeon poop to me. $CODENAME //(with a facepalm)// I mean, something is wrong with that message. Why would they choose you for your math abilities? JAYMAN Because I'm a math genius. Isn't it obvious? $CODENAME Definitely not. JAYMAN Ok, well, go ahead. Test me!(show: ?QVIII)] |QVIII)[(link: "$Codename asks an easy math question.")[(replace: ?QVIII)[(set: $CI to (str: (random: 1,10)))(set: $CII to (str: (random: 1,10)))(set: $CIII to (str: (random: 1,10)))(set: $CIV to (str: (random: 1,10)))(set: $CV to (str: (random: 1,10)))(color: "green")[//Choose the first number : //] (dropdown: bind $NI, $CI, $CII, $CIII, $CIV, $CV) (color: "green")[//Choose the operation : //](dropdown: bind $V, "times", "minus", "plus", "divided by") (set: $CI to (str: (random: 1,10)))(set: $CII to (str: (random: 1,10)))(set: $CIII to (str: (random: 1,10)))(set: $CIV to (str: (random: 1,10)))(set: $CV to (str: (random: 1,10)))(color: "green")[//Choose the second number : //](dropdown: bind $NII, $CI, $CII, $CIII, $CIV, $CV) (link: "Math away!")[(set: $NI to (num: $NI))(set: $NII to (num: $NII))(if: $V is "times")[(set: $ANS to $NI * $NII)](else-if: $V is "minus")[(set: $ANS to $NI - $NII)](else-if: $V is "plus")[(set: $ANS to $NI + $NII)](else:)[(set: $ANS to $NI / $NII)](replace: ?QVIII)[$CODENAME Ok, smart guy. What's $NI $V $NII? JAYMAN //(instantly)// $ANS. $CODENAME Pff. That was too easy. JAYMAN Well, next time, pick a more difficult question!](show: ?TVIII)]]] (link: "$Codename asks a difficult math question.")[(replace: ?QVIII)[(set: $CI to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CII to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CIII to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CIV to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CV to (str: (random: 1,100)))(color: "green")[//Choose the operation : //](dropdown: bind $V, "logarithm", "cosinus", "square root", "Euler's number") (color: "green")[//Choose the number : //](dropdown: bind $NI, $CI, $CII, $CIII, $CIV, $CV) (link: "Math away!")[(set: $NI to (num: $NI))(if: $V is "logarithm")[(set: $ANS to (log: $NI))](else-if: $V is "cosinus")[(set: $ANS to (cos: $NI))](else-if: $V is "square root")[(set: $ANS to (sqrt: $NI))](else:)[(set: $ANS to (exp: $NI))(set: $V to "Euler's number to the power")](replace: ?QVIII)[$CODENAME Ok, let's see. What's the $V of $NI? JAYMAN //(instantly)// You kiddin' me? It's $ANS. $CODENAME Pff, lucky guess! JAYMAN Well, next time, choose a really challenging question!](show: ?TVIII)]]] (link: "$Codename asks an impossible math question.")[(replace: ?QVIII)[(color: "green")[//Choose the first operation : //](dropdown: bind $V, "logarithm base 2", "sinus", "square root", "tangent") (set: $CI to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CII to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CIII to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CIV to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CV to (str: (random: 1,100)))(color: "green")[//Choose the first number : //](dropdown: bind $NI, $CI, $CII, $CIII, $CIV, $CV) (set: $CI to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CII to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CIII to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CIV to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CV to (str: (random: 1,100)))(color: "green")[//Choose the second number : //](dropdown: bind $NII, $CI, $CII, $CIII, $CIV, $CV) (set: $CI to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CII to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CIII to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CIV to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CV to (str: (random: 1,100)))(color: "green")[//Choose the third number : //](dropdown: bind $NIII, $CI, $CII, $CIII, $CIV, $CV) (link: "Math away!")[(set: $NI to (num: $NI))(set: $NII to (num: $NII))(set: $NIII to (num: $NIII))(set: $AII to $NII % $NIII)(if: $V is "logarithm base 2")[(set: $AI to (log2: $NI))](else-if: $V is "sinus")[(set: $AI to (sin: $NI))](else-if: $V is "square root")[(set: $AI to (sqrt: $NI))](else:)[(set: $AI to (tan: $NI))](set: $ANS to (pow: $AI, $AII))(replace: ?QVIII)[$CODENAME Ok. Here we go. What's the $V of $NI to the power of the modulo of $NII and $NIII? JayMan thinks about it for a second. JAYMAN That's about $ANS, give or take an imaginary number or two! $CODENAME Ah ha! It's not. JAYMAN It is. Except the imaginary numbers, I was clearly joking. $CODENAME Actually, I have no fucking idea what's the right answer... JAYMAN Well, next time, try maths that you can understand. Dumb ass.](show: ?TVIII)]]]] |TVIII)[$CODENAME At least, there's a slim chance of winning this thing. JAYMAN Then it's settled. //(leadershiply pointing forward)// To the Math Contest! $CODENAME You're pointing at the wardrobe. JAYMAN ... we need our coats, don't we? $Codename looks at the camera and sighs with a "What am I gonna do with this guy!" face. CUE unecessary cheap LAUGH TRACK. (show: ?SIII)] |SIII)[(link: "SCENE 3.")[(replace: ?SIII)[SCENE 3. IN FRONT OF A HIGH SCHOOL. JayMan and $Codename are standing in front of a High School. Over the main entrance are the words "High School". Kids are coming and going. JayMan has a "Bob the Builder" back pack on his back. JAYMAN Ah, High School. So many memories. See that swing set? It reminds me to buy margarine. $CODENAME //(not anxious, but clearly unsure of something)// Are you sure it's here? JAYMAN Yep. $CODENAME But how do you know? It said nothing about where to go in the message! JAYMAN Like all High Schools, this one has a gymnasium. And lockers. And an unsmiling lunch lady that perpetuates the stereotype of apathetic lunch ladies. But mostly, a gymnasium. And where are all Math Contests held?(show: ?QIX)]]] |QIX)[(link: "$Codename doesn't have a fucking clue.")[(replace: ?QIX)[$CODENAME I don't know. St-Petersbourg? JAYMAN Well, the 2021 International Mathematical Olympiad is, but besides that? In a High School gymnasium!](show: ?TIX)] (link: "$Codename guesses something.")[(replace: ?QIX)[$CODENAME A High School gymnasium? JAYMAN //(impressed)// That's exactly it! Well played, my friend.](show: ?TIX)] (link: "$Codename doesn't give a fuck.")[(replace: ?QIX)[$CODENAME //(playing Angry Birds)// Your mom's ass? JAYMAN Well, if by ass you mean, a High School Gymnasium, then you are right!](show: ?TIX)]] |TIX)[$CODENAME Your logic never ceases to amaze me. JAYMAN Get used to it! CalculaThor appears behind them. It's a small red headed kid, about 10 years old, with electronic flashing gizmos taped around his head, and braces, and acne. CALCULATHOR Excuse me, Sir? He pokes JayMan on his shoulder. JayMan turns around. JAYMAN //(startled)// Who are you? What do you want from me? Leave me alone. Who are you? CALCULATHOR //(proud)// I'm the soon to be Math Champion, CalculaThor. JAYMAN CalculaThor! My arch enemy. Prepare to battle! JayMan assumes a very ridiculous fighting stance called "the guy who has seen too many kung-fu movies for his own good". CALCULATHOR //(very polite)// Oh, I'm sorry, Sir. I don't want any trouble. Here, take my wallet. CalculaThor hands his wallet to JayMan. JAYMAN I don't want your wallet. I want revenge! $CODENAME Hmmm, JayMan, can I talk to you in private for a second? JAYMAN Yeah, sure, I guess. $CODENAME Great. //(to CalculaThor)// Excuse us for a second. They walk away from CalculaThor.(show: ?QX)] |QX)[(link: "$Codename wonders why JayMan has a beef with that kid.")[(replace: ?QX)[$CODENAME What is wrong with you? JAYMAN You'll have to be more precise. Because there are so many possible answers. $CODENAME Yeah, I get that. How can you have this kid as your arch enemy? JAYMAN Isn't it obvious? $CODENAME Obviously not. JAYMAN He looks like the bully that bullied the bull out of me in High School. $CODENAME So what? You're an adult. Grow up. JAYMAN That's what I did. I grew up. And now that I'm an adult, I can finally beat the crap out of this bully. $Codename takes a look at CalculaThor, whose acne is acneing all over the place. $CODENAME He doesn't look like a bully to me. JAYMAN Looks can be deceiving. //(to CalculaThor)// And now, it's time to make you drink your lunch money, punk!](show: ?TX)] (link: "$Codename thinks about the money.")[(replace: ?QX)[$CODENAME Yo, man, I mean... look at the size of that wallet. It seems to be filled up with a lot of money. You should take it. JAYMAN //(genuinely surprised)// What? $CODENAME You need that money. JAYMAN You're right, I need that money. But I will not enrich myself by stealing. $CODENAME Technically, it's not stealing if he gives it to you. JAYMAN Your lack of morals fills my heart with untold happiness, but now is not the time to enrich ourselves. //(to CalculaThor)// It's time to kick bubblegum and chew some ass. And I'm all out of ass!... Wait.](show: ?TX)] (link: "$Codename doesn't trust that kid.")[(replace: ?QX)[$CODENAME Man, I don't trust that kid. He looks shady. They look at CalculaThor, picking his nose while drinking an apple juice box. JAYMAN Yeah, I hear you. My spicy senses are dangling all over the place. How do we know it's not an orang-outang posing as a child? $CODENAME I have an idea. JAYMAN It better be better than mine, cuz I have none. $CODENAME //(to CalculaThor)// Yo, young man. How do we know that you're the real CalculaThor? CALCULATHOR Heurm... I have electronic gizmos taped on my head. They prove that I can compute numbers at lightning speed. $CODENAME Nope. All they prove is how bad you suck at arts and crafts. What were you going for? The "incarnation of human's darkest nightmare fuel" in cosplay? CALCULATHOR //(starting to cry)// Hey, I put a lot of time in that. And I didn't even asked help from my momma. JAYMAN //(to $Codename)// Wow, that was cold. $CODENAME //(to JayMan)// Well, now we know for sure he's a real kid. Not a bad guy. Just a baby. A cry baby. //(to CalculaThor)// Aren't you, cry baby?](show: ?TX)]] |TX)[CALCULATHOR //(genuinely confused)// Look, guys, I have absolutely no idea what you're doing. All I want, is to find a guy named JayMan. JAYMAN I am JayMan. Prepare to die! CALCULATHOR //(so very confused)// Well, mister JayMan sir, I was hoping we could have a private, civilised conversation. I have a lucrative proposition to make. JAYMAN No way, I'm not falling for this obvious trap. Your jedi mindfullness tricks won't work on me. $CODENAME Come on, we should at least hear what he has to say. JAYMAN All right. But if it's a trap and he takes control of the world, and turns us all into rabbits, it will be on your conscience. For as much as a rabbit can have on its conscience... do rabbits even have a conscience? I mean, last time I stared into a rabbit's eyes, all I saw was a reflection of my own finitude. It was red. Anyways. //(to CalculaThor)// Go ahead, tell me what you want of me. But remember! I have my eye on you. My soon to be red rabbit eye! CalculaThor gets closer to JayMan and $Codename, making sure that no one around can hear them (although there's already no one around!). CALCULATHOR Here's the deal. You lose the competition on purpose. I win. I give you all the money, and I keep all the glory. JAYMAN It's a dea--(show: ?QXI)] |QXI)[(link: "$Codename wonders why he needs JayMan to take a fall.")[(replace: ?QXI)[$CODENAME Wait! Quick question. If you're that great a mathematician, why do you need JayMan to take a fall? CALCULATHOR Me? I... heurm... that's because my math teacher is dying of... deathritis. Yes. That's what it is. $CODENAME Mmmkay. But what does it have to do with JayMan loosing on purpose? CALCULATHOR It... heurf... hey, look, the contest is about to begin. JAYMAN //(looking at his watch)// Nah-han. It starts in approximately 3 hours and 28 minutes. And... 36 seconds. No. 35. No. 34. No. 33. While JayMan keeps counting down the seconds, $Codename speaks straight into CalculaThor's face, with severity. And a bad breath.](show: ?TXI)] (link: "$Codename hints that JayMan might not make it to the finals.")[(replace: ?QXI)[$CODENAME Wait! Quick question. You seem pretty sure that JayMan's gonna make it to the final round. CALCULATHOR //(trying to divert the question)// That's not a question. That's a statement. Big difference. Huge. $CODENAME You know what I meant. What happens if JayMan doesn't make it to the final? JAYMAN I have to make it to the finals!? CALCULATHOR Well, that's not a problem. Really. He'll make it to the final round. JAYMAN Cuz I'm a maths-whizz! CALCULATHOR Heurm... yeah, sure. That. And the fact that all the other contestants have suffered seemingly unrelated accidents that could never be traced to me in any way whatsoever. JAYMAN Yep. A very lucky maths-whizz. $Codename speaks straight into CalculaThor's face, with severity. And a bad breath.](show: ?TXI)] (link: "$Codename strongly opposes any form of cheating.")[(replace: ?QXI)[$CODENAME Wait. Isn't that cheating? CALCULATHOR What? No! Pff. Everybody does it all the time. Ain't that right, JayMan? JAYMAN //(trying to look cool under peer pressure)// Well... I guess North Korea did it at the 1991 International Mathematical Olympiad. And also in 2010. CALCULATHOR And, technically, it's the only times they got caught. For all we know, they've been doing it every year. JAYMAN Well, if North Korea does it, I can see no harm of doing it ourselves. $CODENAME But it's cheating. Cheating is bad. JAYMAN North Korea. $CODENAME Yeah, but chea-- JAYMAN and CALCULATHOR North. Korea! $Codename speaks straight into CalculaThor's face, with severity. And a bad breath.](show: ?TXI)]] |TXI)[$CODENAME That's all very suspicious. I'll be having my eyes on you. CALCULATHOR Everything's gonna be fine. My plan is flawless. $CODENAME What plan? CALCULATHOR //(caught off guard)// My... game plan. Like, write with my right hand since I'm right-handed and the right hand is connected to the left brain, which is the part of the brain used for abstract thinking, as in maths, and devising evil plans and stuff... Not that I'm planning on any evil stuff, hihi... I'll be on my way. He waves at some random kid and quickly walks away. JAYMAN I'm gonna take a nap before the contest. JayMan lays down right where they are, in the middle of the sidewalk, and falls asleep. $CODENAME //(looking at CalculaThor walk away)// I don't trust that kid. RANDOM ADULT PASSING BY Well, he's a 10 years old kid. I bet he can't even make his bed by himself. I don't see why anyone would trust him! (show: ?SIV)] |SIV)[(link: "SCENE 4.")[(replace: ?SIV)[SCENE 4. INSIDE THE SCHOOL'S GYMNASIUM. The school's gymnasium has been arranged like a game show. There's a big game show background on which is written (color: "yellow")[**MATHADORIUM**] in bold, colorful letters. There are three contestant podiums, but only the first two are used, by JayMan and CalculaThor. There's absolutely no one in the bleachers. CUE GAME SHOW MUSIC. Mathew, the ultra pompuous game show host, enters, dancing to the music. MATHEW //(talking straight to the camera)// Hello everyone, and welcome to the Mathadorium, the biggest math contest in town. I'm Mathew Showsego, but just call me Math. SHOT of $Codename in the back, with a technician. It reveals that there's no camera, and Mathew is talking to nothing and no one. $CODENAME Who the hell is he talking to? There are no cameras! TECHNICIAN Yeah, well, he doesn't know that. MATHEW //(still talking to the imaginary camera)// So here's the gewd news. Almost all the contestants died on their way to the "here and now", so we jump straight to the final round with the only two ones to have made it here! Isn't that exciting? Mathew pauses to allow the non-existent crowd to cheer. MATHEW All right. Our first contestant is a red headed 10 years-old human kid that computes numbers at the speed of lightning. Please welcome CaaaaaaaaaalculaThor! CALCULATHOR //(humble)// Thank you. Thank you. MATHEW And our second contestant is some kind of random idiot who got lost in the bathroom. JAYMAN Hey, I'm not random! MATHEW Let's begin this final, shall we? CALCULATHOR We sure should shall! JAYMAN That's it, you're going down. JayMan bum-rushes CalculaThor.(show: ?QXII)]]] |QXII)[(link: "$Codename intervenes.")[(replace: ?QXII)[$Codename jumps between JayMan and CalculaThor. $CODENAME Woah, JayMan. What's wrong with you? You're not gonna punch a 10 years-old kid in the face, are you? JAYMAN What!? Are you crazy? I'll punch him in the stomach. It leaves no traces. $CODENAME Wow. You would have been a fine bully in High School. JAYMAN Yeah. And I would have had everybody call me Theodore von Punchinthebelly the Third.](show: ?TXII)] (link: "$Codename does nothing.")[(replace: ?QXII)[He grabs CalculaThor by the collar. He stops, then looks at $Codename. JAYMAN So? $CODENAME //(arms crossed)// So what? JAYMAN Well, aren't you gonna do something about this? $CODENAME //(arms crossier)// Nah. JAYMAN You're gonna let me punch a 10 years-old kid in the face? $CODENAME //(with the crossiest arms you'll ever see)// Looks like it. A floating moment. JAYMAN //(sour)// Well I'm not doing it! He releases CalculaThor, who breathes in relief. JAYMAN //(to CalculaThor)// Sorry, buddy. I was gonna hit you, but $Codename killed the mood.](show: ?TXII)] (link: "$Codename eggs on JayMan.")[(replace: ?QXII)[He grabs CalculaThor by the collar. $CODENAME //(shouting)// Yeah, dude. Come on. Kick his sorry little ass. JAYMAN Right on! $CODENAME //(shouting with more shout)// Show that kid that the thirty-seven years old adult is the boss! JAYMAN //(to CalculaThor)// I'm stronger than you! Mathew jumps between JayMan and CalculaThor, and separates them quickly. MATHEW What the heck is wrong with you? JAYMAN //(to CalculaThor)// Answer the man! MATHEW I'm talking to you, JayMan. JAYMAN //(genuinely surprised)// What? MATHEW And to you to, $Codename. You two should be ashamed of your behavior. This is a math contest. We are here to challenge ourselves to the top of our mental abilities, not to fight. In a battle, there are no winners. In a math contest, there's only one winner, who then has the privilege to rub it in everybody's faces in order to ruin their sense of self-worth. That's the spirit of maths : silently destroying everyone around you in peace. JayMan and $Codename look down at their feet. $CODENAME Sorry, sir. JAYMAN Yeah, sorry, CalculaThor.](show: ?TXII)]] |TXII)[MATHEW Great. Now that this is over, let's get down to business. We have a math contest to finish. JAYMAN Yeah, let's do this. MATHEW Here's your question. The first one to find the answer will be crowned the winner. Although we don't have a crown. It's a trophy. So, I guess the winner will be trophied. CALCULATHOR And the loser will be atrophied. Just like its ego! Mouahahahahahaha! MATHEW Sure, why not. Anyways, here's the question. Let "ABCD" be a fixed convex quadrilateral with BC=DA and BC not parallel with DA. Let two variable points E and F lie of the sides BC and DA, respectively, and satisfy BE=DF. The lines AC and BD meet at P, the lines BD and EF meet at Q, the lines EF and AC meet at R. Prove that the circumcircles of the triangles PQR, as E and F vary, have a common point other than P. Puzzled, JayMan looks at CalculaThor who's looking back at him with an even puzzlier face. (show: ?SV)] |SV)[(link: "SCENE 5.")[(replace: ?SV)[SCENE 5. OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL'S GYMNASIUM. JayMan, $Codename and CalculaThor are walking out the gymnasium. A very short amount of time happened between the moment they've been asked the question and the moment they got out (this is made obvious by the fact that the screen just made a flip transition from one scene to the other). JAYMAN Too bad both of us have been disqualified for "not knowing the answer". CalculaThor is crying. $CODENAME That sure was a tough question. JAYMAN Yeah, like anyone would ever find the answer to that! That contest was rigged to have me failed. $Codename realises that CalculaThor is crying. $CODENAME Don't worry, buddy. You can always try next year. CALCULATHOR No, I can't. You have to be 10 years old or less to participate in those contests. JAYMAN Except when you're a math genius like me. Then age doesn't count! CALCULATHOR You don't get it, do you? I killed all the other contestants, then hacked inside the contest's database to have you, JayMan, participate to the contest, because you suck so much at everything, I was sure you'd loose, and then I'd win. JAYMAN Too bad I don't suck at math, amirite? $CODENAME Yeah, JayMan. You sure showed us how it's done up there! JAYMAN Sorry if geometry isn't my forte! CALCULATHOR //(crying very loud)// Now, my plan failed. And I didn't win. And my father won't be proud of me! JAYMAN I bet. You failed at math, and you failed at being evil. That's a double fail, and in this case, two negatives won't make a positive. Loser! CalculaThor cries even more.(show: ?QXIII)]]] |QXIII)[(link: "$Codename walks away.")[(replace: ?QXIII)[Without a single word, $Codename walks away, while CalculaThor is still crying. JAYMAN What are you doing? $CODENAME Well, he's no good for us anymore, is he? JAYMAN But he's crying. $CODENAME So? JAYMAN If we comfort him, he'll feel good about us, and give us money. $CODENAME You really think that? JAYMAN Oh, yeah. Money is the absolute best way to show that you love someone. //(to CalculaThor)// Ain't that right, Calky? CALCULATHOR //(weeping)// Please, don't infantilize me. JAYMAN //(sarcastic)// Sorry for treating a 10 years old kid like a 10 years old kid. Won't happen again. Loser. $CODENAME //(also sarcastic)// Wow, JayMan, you sure got the twist to make people love you. A big, rich, mansionny car pulls up besides them. Marilyn Mansion is driving, and Charles Mansion is passenging. CALCULATHOR Mom. Dad. CHARLES MANSION Son. How did it go? $CODENAME He lost. CalculaThor gets in the car. MARILYN MANSION What a loser. JAYMAN But we were there to give him emotional support, so you owe us a fuck load of money. MARILYN MANSION We'll buy him a support dog, or ferret, or drug dealer. It's cheaper, and surely won't be as idiotic as you are. She badassely puts on badass sunglasses. MARILYN MANSION Let's roll. She puts the pedal to the metal. The car leaves slowly, because it's an electrical car. JAYMAN //(screaming at the car)// You fucking old bastard. We are kind people! Kindness has a price, you fucking pieces of overdue farts! Pay us! As the car drives away, and Jayman screams at it, and $Codename silently walks away in despair, we hear the NARRATOR.](show: ?END)] (link: "$Codename saves CalculaThor's feelings.")[(replace: ?QXIII)[JAYMAN //(dancing around CalculaThor)// Loser, loser, nananan-loser! $CODENAME JayMan, wait a minute. //(to CalculaThor)// Look, kid. I have an idea. You seem to have a lot of money, right? CALCULATHOR Yeah, I'm pretty damn rich already. $CODENAME Well, we need money! So here's the deal. You give us a bunch of it, and we'll tell your dad that you won. CALCULATHOR Really? You'd do that? JAYMAN Oh, yeah, sure. As long as we get the money! CALCULATHOR But what about the people I killed? JAYMAN Give us even more money, and I'll tell your Dad about all your evil mischief. CALCULATHOR What? No! I don't want him to know I'm a murderer. JAYMAN Man, what a diva. Look. Give us a fuck load of money, and tell us what to tell your dad, and we'll tell him, ok? CalculaThor jumps in JayMan's arms and hugs him hard. CALCULATHOR Thank you. Thank you so much! JAYMAN //(to $Codename)// Please take it off me! A big, rich, mansionny car pulls up besides them. Marilyn Mansion is driving, and Charles Mansion is passenging. CALCULATHOR Mom. Dad! I won! CalculaThor gets in the car. CHARLES MANSION Is that true? You're not lying? JAYMAN He's not. He won, fair and square, and without having to resort to murdering all the contestants and rigging the contest and offering me money to lose on purpose! JayMan gives CalculaThor the most obvious wink. CHARLES MANSION Well, son, I'm so very proud of you. MARILYN MANSION Oh, come on. Can we go, now? CHARLES MANSION You're the one driving, my dear. MARILYN MANSION You got that right. She badassely puts badass sunglasses. MARILYN MANSION Let's roll! She puts the pedal to the metal. The car leaves slowly, because it's an electric car. JAYMAN //(dusting his hands in pleasure)// That's a job well done. $CODENAME ... you didn't get the money. A floating moment. JAYMAN Oh! That little, evil bastard! //(running after the car)// Come back here and give me my money, you little piece of shit! While JayMan is chasing the car, we hear a NARRATOR.](show: ?END)] (link: "$Codename wants the money.")[(replace: ?QXIII)[$Codename kneels down to CalculaThor's height. $CODENAME So, about that money you promised? CALCULATHOR I said I would give the prize money if I won. I didn't win, so tough luck for you guys. $CODENAME Listen, you little punk. We need that money. Bad. So you'll give it to us, or we'll take it from you. JAYMAN Damn, $Codename. You're so sexy when you get all amoral and shit. A big, rich, mansionny car pulls up besides them. Marilyn Mansion is driving, and Charles Mansion is passenging. CALCULATHOR Mom. Dad. CHARLES MANSION Hey, son! In a flash, $Codename grabs CalculaThor. $CODENAME Yo, rich guy. We've taken your son hostage. If you ever want to see him again, give us like... a fuck load of money. CHARLES MANSION What? No! Not our beloved son. MARILYN MANSION Ah, for Christ's sake. //(to JayMan)// Did he win the contest? JAYMAN Heurm... no. MARILYN MANSION Well, fuck that shit. You can keep him. CHARLES MANSION What? Marilyn Mansion badassely puts on badass sunglasses. MARILYN MANSION Get over it. We'll buy another one. Let's roll. She puts the pedal to the metal. As the car leaves slowly (because it's an electric car), CalculaThor restarts to cry. JAYMAN Well, $Codename, I hope you're happy. Now we have a kid, and less money than ever. (if: $hasCat is 1)[And a cat to feed. $CODENAME We can feed the kid to the cat. Or vice-versa. JAYMAN //(a little bit excited)// Ouh, you're so mean. I like that!] $CODENAME I've got an idea. //(to CalculaThor)// Yo, kiddo. Your parents stopped at the end to the street. Run fast if you want to catch them. CALCULATHOR Really!? Great! //(running away)// Thank you guys, I'll never forget you! JAYMAN Funny, I don't see his parents' car. $CODENAME Cuz they're not there. But at least, I got rid of the brat! JAYMAN //(excited)// Ouuuuuuuh. So mean! $CODENAME Yeah. Now let's get the fuck out of here before he catches what's going on! As JayMan and $Codename walk away as fast as they can before CalculaThor realises he's been made, we hear the NARRATOR.](show: ?END)]] |END)[NARRATOR And this is how JayMan and his loyal sidekick $Codename ended up poorer than ever. (link: "--THE END--")[(goto: "Universe")]]

#POINTLESS WRITINGS Here is a collection of pointless funny texts that I write every once in a while for fun and all. So, if you're looking for pointless things to read to make you smile, there you go! => (link: "Memoirs from a fish.")[(goto: "memoir")] => (link: "Pineapple and pizza, a good idea?")[(goto: "pineapple")] => (link: "History is a thing of the past!")[(goto: "history")] => (link: "Hope, the cure to all diseases?")[(goto: "hope")] => (link: "Robots in the workplace, a good idea?")[(goto: "robot")]

#MEMOIRS FROM A FISH Einstein once said something about making fishes climb in a tree. I believe it was a metaphor for intelligence, or education, or just a way to remind humans how fishes are no good. I don’t know. I wasn’t there when he said that. What I know, is that contrary to what you may think, me and my fellow fish-siblings are more than you think we are. Much more? I’m not ready to go to that extent. But clearly quite a bit more. You see, right from the bat, I’m writing my memoir. And there you were, thinking that fishes can’t write. Pff! Or as we say in the underwater world, “blblblbl”. Oh, I know what you’re thinking. “A fish memoir? That’ll take me no less than 9 seconds to read!” You know? Because fishes have a 9 seconds memory? Well that’s not true, and it just goes to prove how you humans like to think that everything is stupid but you! Well, just so you know, fishes could climb onto trees, if they wanted to, and if trees grew in water. But here’s the thing. You don’t think we can. So you don’t bother helping us climb on trees. Same thing with dogs. Why don’t you teach them maths? Because you think all they can do is sit, and lay, and roll around like idiots, and give high-fives, and run after a ball that you actually never throw just because you jubilate watching your best friend run after nothing like a clueless idiot while you are working your ass off to pay for that brand new phone you bought because some other idiot on the internet told you that it would make your life complete. And you do worse with us fishes. You teach us nothing. So there’s my memoir : a wasted life spent swimming aimlessly in a fishbowl, eating only what you think fishes eat. You think that shit you give us is tasty? I’d rather eat your dirty socks than eat another mouthful of that dried squid poop or whatever that is you drop in my water. “Oh, but you go all crazy when I give you this food!” Yeah! Because there’s nothing else to eat, you brain-dead gourmet. You’d eat that shit to if it was all you had to eat! And now, my final breath approaches… or is it called a gulp? Meh, who cares, I’m about to die, and in these moments, you kind of realize that there is more to life than a mere choice of words! So, as I approach my inevitable death, I just want to say that even though my life was pointless, I beat you all humans on one point. I never payed taxes. BOOYAH! BACK TO... (link: "... the pointless writings")[(goto: "Pointless")] (link: "... the main menu")[(goto: "home")]

#PINEAPPLE AND PIZZA, A GOOD IDEA? To find out, listen to Jeff’s story… or rather, read it, because I’m not planning on doing an audio-book version of this text. Not that I couldn’t, because I happen to have a very cool radiophonic voice, thank you. The problem is, I just don’t feel like it, and also, I don’t have enough money to buy a microphone, so I guess I can’t... Anyways, Jeff’s story! Meet Jeff, a guy about your age. Not that it matters, but he’s about this tall, and his hair and eyes both have a certain color. After a year of hard working at the place where he works, Jeff decided to reward himself with a nice vacation in the city where you live in. What are the odds! Something you need to know about Jeff is that he’s the most helpful person you’ll ever meet in your life. Just so you understand how helpful he is, he would help you even though you don’t know him personally. You could literally just nod at him at the bus stop, and then ask him to move your cat’s litter box around your bathroom on a Sunday night while his wife is giving birth, and he’d say yes. Why am I telling you that? Because during his vacation, Jeff and his tourist group went to the very popular pizza joint. You know the one I’m talking about! I mean, it’s in your city, so! Everyone’s enjoying the best pizza in the world. But not Jeff. He doesn’t like pizza, even though it contains all four main food groups (fat, cheese, crust and sodium nitrate). So he’s eating a salad! In a pizza joint!! I would like to openly call on his dorkiness, but, hey, he helped me with my cat’s litter box problem on a Sunday night while his wife was giving birth, so I’ll just say that he’s enjoying a lifestyle that wouldn’t fit my personality, but I ain’t judging! Just as Jeff finishes his salad, Charlie, a tourist in Jeff’s group, stands up and says : “Hey, I ordered too much pizza, and I don’t like wasting food and all, so does anybody want my leftovers?” “Send it my way”, says Jeff, and he finishes the pizza, even though he doesn’t like pizza! Would you do that for an almost complete stranger? I doubt it. And here’s where the story takes a gloomy turn. TAMTAMTAAAAAAAM! Unbeknownst to Jeff, Charlie had ordered an Hawaiian pizza with extra pineapple. Also unbeknownst to Jeff, pineapple interferes with his medication to treat his blood problem (Jeff’s blood doesn’t coagulate, and I know there’s a scientific word for that condition, but unbeknownst to you, I’m too lazy to google it!). Also also unbeknownst to Jeff, the pizza was a little overcooked, so the crust was too crispy, and Jeff cut himself in the mouth. Do you understand the situation? Jeff almost bled to death because of the pineapple! He had to spend two weeks in the hospital. It ruined his vacation and his sex life (although the details of that are still unclear). So now you know that you can put pineapple on your pizza if that thrills your fancy, but please, pretty please, when you do, tell those with whom you share your pizza. It’s a matter of life and death. BACK TO... (link: "... the pointless writings")[(goto: "Pointless")] (link: "... the main menu")[(goto: "home")]

#HISTORY IS A THING OF THE PAST ##(a mini play) SCENE ONE (and also the final scene) We're in a history classroom, from a generic high-school. There are pictures of people that were once important, but are now dead. On the wall, a timeline of the great moments of humanity (like in 1538, when a russian peon discovered that you can grind your teeth very loudly to annoy your romantic partner that has forgot your birthday!). ALBERT, the history teacher, is sitting at his teaching desk, preparing the next class. Enters MR. WAILSON, the school Principal. He has a sad look on his face and a mustard spot on his shirt. Hopefully for him, his shirt is yellow mustard, so you don't really see it. But if you look closely, within the right angle of lighting, you can see the spot. Anyways. MR. WAILSON Ah, Albert. I thought I'd find you here, in your classroom, minutes before your history class. ALBERT Mr. Wailson. What a surprise. I sure hope you do not bear bad news. I couldn't take it. You see, my dog is sick, and my mother, my dear mother, is giving away my heritage to some Casino, I believe it's the [name of the casino deleted for legal reasons]. MR. WAILSON Well, the news are great. Arts are artsy. The maths are cosinusing through the roof. Physics are getting physical. Everything is looking good across the board! ALBERT Well then. MR. WAILSON Yep. ALBERT Han han. MR. WAILSON Hum. ALBERT I see. MR. WAILSON But the news are bad for history. ALBERT I KNEW IT! Enraged, Albert throws his silk hankerchief at a soft cushion. MR. WAILSON I'm sad to tell you, but you're history. ALBERT What? That can't be! I'm an history teacher! MR. WAILSON Yes, I know. And I'm here to tell you that history is a thing of the past. ALBERT (unsure) Han han!? MR. WAILSON See, Albert, kids don't care about history anymore. ALBERT Why's that? MR. WAILSON Because there are no surprises. We all know what happens. This is bad. Kids today want suspense. Nobody wants to know the ending of the story in advance. ALBERT So I'm fired? How am I supposed to tell that to my beloved aquarium water pump? MR. WAILSON Well, I could fire you, but I give you a chance. One chance to redeem yourself and not loose your dignity in front of your watery appliances. ALBERT You've got my interest. MR. WAILSON Kill my wife. ALBERT What? MR. WAILSON I mean, find a way to make history interesting again for kids. You're a bright teacher. You'll find something. And as long as the solution involves my wife dying in an "accident", wink wink, all will be good. ALBERT Don't worry, Mr. Wailson. Your wife will soon be HISTORY! CUE laugh track. CUE generic. The end. (You can email me my Oscar at jayman@groupecingle.com) BACK TO... (link: "... the pointless writings")[(goto: "Pointless")] (link: "... the main menu")[(goto: "home")]

#HOPE, THE CURE TO ALL DISEASES? Health. The one and only thing that keeps us healthy. The proof is, when you loose your health, you instantly become sick. To find your health back, you should always start by looking at the last place where you saw it. If it’s there, hurray! But if it’s not, you may be in a predicament. Now, some people will tell you to turn to green vegetables to recover your health. Really? Green vegetables? How can they help, they’re vegetables! If you’re going to look for help, at least look at something that is sentient, like a dog, or a tortoise. So, what do you do to get your health back? According to my five minutes research on google, I found out that many people believe that the best place to look for is in your heart. Because in your heart, there’s hope. And hope can cure anything. Now, here’s the proof that the hope in your heart might be the cure to all ailments (I say “might”, because even though I feel like saying “is absolutely and without a doubt”, we don’t have the money to fight the legal actions that the pharmaceutical industries would throw at us to silence the truth! Also, I’m no doctor and have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about and I’m making everything up as I go). The proof comes in the person of Guotrino (it’s a made up name, to protect the privacy and identity of the made up person it’s all about). Guotrino is a laundry worker. Everyday, she’s in contact with strong chemicals, and health doesn’t love chemicals. So her health ran away from home, and sure thing, now she has cancer. Did she panic? No. She did what any sane person should do. She looked inside her heart, and she found hope. What she does now is akin to magic. Everyday, she listens to her heart, to make sure that her heart is beating… cancer! That’s right. As long as her heart is beating, it’s beating cancer! Does it work? Yes, it does. Of course it does! So there you have it. Hope (very pretty much more than likely) might be the cure to all diseases! BACK TO... (link: "... the pointless writings")[(goto: "Pointless")] (link: "... the main menu")[(goto: "home")]

#ROBOTS IN THE WORKPLACE, A GOOD IDEA? Everyone will agree : technology has taken like, all the place in the world. Well, not all of it. There’s still some room to store Champagne and breath-strips, but for the most of it, this world is largely technology-driven. So it becomes a serious question to ask ourselves : should robots be welcomed in the workplace? To help you make your mind, let me share with you the story of Bubbly Bobby Hobe Bob. It’s not meant to have the whole truth, only a part of it. Like… at least “that much” of the truth, but no more either. And that’s an estimation from a very conservative stand point! Bubbly is a busboy, working in a fancy french restaurant, on the Poueronpipon Avenue, in Paris, France. You can’t get more frenchy than that! I mean, it’s a very frenchy restaurant. To the point where all employees are forced to speak french. Eurk. As a busboy, beside denigrating everything (frenchy-style restaurant obliges), Bubbly’s job involves picking up dirty dishes on the tables, cleaning-up those dishes, and smoking cigarettes in the cold-chamber. I know, it sounds horrible to smoke cigarettes where they store food, but if you know a better way to smoke salmon, they’d sure need to know. A less known part of the busboy tradition involves preparing the jam for the breakfast. It’s usually strawberry jam, and it’s used to cheer up those liveless piles of dry-wall crumbles mixed in butter and bad taste that they call “croissant”! Can you believe these idiotic french guys stole the word “croissant” from english? Also, they dip them in coffee, like they’re sausages! So, every morning, Bubbly comes to work, and he takes the jam, and puts it in a machine that pumps it into tiny cups. Up until recently, Bubbly had to do it manually, because the restaurant couldn’t afford a robot to do it. Well, manually… the pump is activated with the feet. But that’s not the point. Point is, every morning, the waitresses and the Maître D’ would keep yelling at him : -- Hey, Bubbly. Pump up the jam. -- Yo, pump it up! And he can’t stop pumping, because while his feet are stomping, the jam is coming! But now, things have changed. Thanks to their new marvelous technotronic jam-pumping robot, Bubbly’s feet are free to do whatever he wants! Well, as long as his feet want to run around like crazy to pick up dirty dishes and wash them. But technology freed him. So, what do you think? Technology in the workplace, yay or nay? BACK TO... (link: "... the pointless writings")[(goto: "Pointless")] (link: "... the main menu")[(goto: "home")]

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JAYMAN'S UNIVERSE

created by JAYMAN

^{(cellphone optimised)}

In order to access my "Wannabe Super-Hero Universe", you need to provide your own CODENAME!

^{Your Codename is the name of your character. It's only used in the scripts. Since the site doesn't use any cookies, it's stored nowhere. It's just for funsies!}

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