calculathor

=><= <h1 style="font-size:40px;">THE ADVENTURES OF JAYMAN</h1> <h1 style="font-size:30px;">Episode 3 : CALCULATHOR</h1> <h1 style="font-size:20px;">Written by "$Codename"</h1> <= |SI>[(link: "SCENE 1")[(replace:?SI)[SCENE 1. A BIG, RICH, MANSIONNY MANSION IN THE AFTERNOON. JAYMAN and $CODENAME are standing in front of a big, rich, mansionny mansion, in a big rich mansionny neighborhood. It's sunny. Their faces are facing a big, rich, mansionny door, while their backs are facing the camera.](show: ?QI)]] |QI)[(link: "$Codename is chill.")[(replace: ?QI)[$CODENAME You know, buddy, even though this is hands down the shittiest plan ever, it's still a beautiful day to try it out. JAYMAN Shitty? That's the best plan ever created by humankind... or humankindness... or even the Loch-humankind-Ness Monster!](show: ?TI)] (link: "$Codename is freaking out.")[(replace: ?QI)[$CODENAME //(freaking out)// Oh man. This has to be the very most stupid, doomed to fail plan I've ever been involved in. JAYMAN Yo, calm down, buddy. It's a gracious, well designed plan. Everything's gonna work out. $CODENAME Yeah? And what if it doesn't, huh? You ever thought about that? What if she kills us? And cooks us? And eats us, with mayonnaise!? You know I hate mayonnaise!](show: ?TI)] (link: "$Codename is sad.")[(replace: ?QI)[$CODENAME //(looking at the big rich mansion with sad puppy eyes)// Why? Why can't I be that rich!? And throw banquets? And throw banquet leftovers at my servants!? JAYMAN Don't despair, my friend. In a minute, we'll be a couple bucks closer to being that rich. $CODENAME Oh, yeah, sure, with your plan, that's gonna take us so much closer to being rich. The same way that if I jump, I'll get that much closer to the moon. JAYMAN You are so pessimistic. And the sad part is, you'll never change.](show: ?TI)]] |TI)[JayMan rings the bell. CUE SOUND of tubular bells playing the intro to AC/DC "Hell's Bells". $CODENAME That plan ain't gonna work out. The big, rich, mansionny door opens, revealing MARILYN MANSION, a big, rich, mansionny old woman. MARILYN MANSION //(with a rich old woman voice)// The fuck you want!? JAYMAN //(super enthusiastic)// My dear lady. Today is your lucky day of the luckiest luck. Cry no more, stop weeping, quit being sad. Otherwise, my sidekick will have to perform the little happy dance of happiness. //(to $Codename)// Quick, $Codename, show the Rich Old Woman your little happy dance of happiness! (show: ?QII)] |QII)[(link: "$Codename complies, but without commitment.")[(replace: ?QII)[With an overdramatic sigh, $Codename begins to twerk in the Rich Old Woman's face. MARILYN MANSION This has to be the saddest moment of my life. JAYMAN Don't you mean the happiest saddest moment of your life? Huh? HUH!?](show: ?TII)] (link: "$Codename refuses.")[(replace: ?QII)[$Codename stares blankly at JayMan. JAYMAN //(slightly embarassed)// Come on, don't embarass me in front of the Rich Old Woman! $Codename stares blankly at JayMan. JAYMAN //(slightly more embarassed)// Come on, $Codename. You practiced it. $Codename stares blankly at JayMan. JAYMAN //(ever so slightly more embarassed)// C'mon! If you do it, I'll give you a piece of licorice.](show: ?TII)] (link: "$Codename complies.")[(replace: ?QII)[$CODENAME Oh yeah. Time to shine! With a healthy dose of vitamin enthusiasm, $Codename twerks in Marilyn Mansion's face. $CODENAME //(twerking like no one's watching)// Ooh yeah. Happy happy joy joy! She stares blankly at $Codename.](show: ?TII)]] |TII)[MARILYN MANSION What the fuck is that all about!? JAYMAN Lady, we have found... //(dramatic pause)// Your lost cat! With an over-the-top winning smile, JayMan pulls a white cat in the frame. MARILYN MANSION This is not my fucking cat. $CODENAME //(to JayMan)// Told you it wouldn't work. JAYMAN //(to the Rich Old Woman)// Wait a minute. What do you mean, it's not your cat? MARILYN MANSION What do //you// mean, "what do I mean"? This cat is not my fucking cat.(show: ?QIII)] |QIII)[(link: "$Codename wants to bail out.")[(replace: ?QIII)[$CODENAME Look, JayMan, let's get out of here, like right now, ok? C'mon! I'm freaking out, dude! JayMan bitch-slaps $Codename in the face.](show: ?TIII)] (link: "$Codename says nothing.")[(replace: ?QIII)[$CODENAME //(with a "I'm gonna murder someone" face)// ... JAYMAN Good thinking, $Codename. I'll handle this. $CODENAME //(with a "We're doomed" face)// ...](show: ?TIII)] (link: "$Codename is sorry.")[(replace: ?QIII)[$CODENAME I'm so sorry we disturbed you, ma'am. We're on our way. If you want, I'll even call the cops on us!](show: ?TIII)]] |TIII)[JAYMAN Don't you worry, $Codename. I've got this under control. JayMan takes out a "Lost cat" ad from his pocket. He unfolds it, and shoves it in Marilyn Mansion's face. JAYMAN Look? In this hand, an ad saying that a cat has been lost. See? It has your address here. And a picture of a cat. Now, look in my other hand. What do I have? Oh, simply the furry bag of purr that happens to be the cat in the picture that is on the lost cat ad that leads to your big, rich, fucking mansionny house! MARILYN MANSION Are you a fucking moron? JAYMAN //(to $Codename)// Don't answer that. MARILYN MANSION The cat in the picture is black. The one you hold is white. JAYMAN Hmmm... I believe it evolved from black fur to white fur to increase its ability to blend in its environment, thus increasing its chances of survival. Anyways, can I have the reward, now? MARILYN MANSION No! The address on the flyer is not even my address. JAYMAN I believe your address evolved to this new address in order to-- MARILYN MANSION Shut up, you patently fucking idiot. Look. My cat is here, right now, in my big, rich, mansionny old husband's arms. In the background, CHARLES MANSION is joyfully petting a big, rich, mansionny cat. CHARLES MANSION //(with a surprising southern accent)// I like to pet a pet. And I bet that Beth also likes to pet a pet! MARILYN MANSION See? See that cat? That's my fucking cat. So get the fuck out of my property before I call the fucking cops on ya! She slams the door shut. JAYMAN //(genuinely surprised)// Wow. Who knew that rich old women could be so rude?(show: ?QIV)] |QIV)[(link:"$Codename wants to get rid of the cat in a lawful good way.")[(replace: ?QIV)[$CODENAME Well, I guess we should get rid of the cat. JAYMAN Yeah, good thinking. //(to the cat)// Sorry, kitty pie, but I don't want to get stuck with fur balls all over my lair. $CODENAME Let's give it to these orphans. SHOT of two obviously very poor orphans, standing right behind them, looking at the cat with "me wantee" eyes. JAYMAN Yeah, good thinking. //(to the orphans)// Here, take good care of it! He throws the cat in their faces and walks away. TIMMY THE ORPHAN Great! We have something to eat tonight! ](set: $align to 0)(show: ?TIV)] (link: "$Codename wants to keep the cat.")[(replace: ?QIV)[$CODENAME Well, I guess we have a cat, now! JAYMAN What? We're not keeping that Great Balls of Fur. $CODENAME Why not? JAYMAN Because they run away. And abandon me. Just like my great-great-great-great-great-grand-mother. $CODENAME Yeah, but-- JAYMAN Now, if it was a dog, that'd be another story. Dogs don't run away. Because they're stupid. They want to be enslaved. Cats are intelligent. They want freedom. So let's give it to this poor creature. $CODENAME But. But-- JAYMAN //(walking away)// All right. But you're the one eating the fur balls! $CODENAME Nice! //(to the cat)// You hear that? I'm ona eat you fur ballz!! KITTY Miaow. $CODENAME Deal! (link-reveal: "And I think I'm gonna call you...")[(show: ?NAME)] |NAME)[(set: $cat to (either: "Little Führer", "Furry Pie", "Hero Kitty", "Dang FURnace", "Fur Bag", "Crap Machine", "Disfurnisher", "InFURious Bastard", "Great Balls of Fur", "FURannosaurus Rex", "Mr. Furlong", "Madam Furlong", "Cat and Furious", "Fur is Murder"))(colour: green)[//Enter a name for the cat, or leave empty for a random name.//]{<input type="text" data-varname="Cat"> <script>processInputElements();</script>} (link: "UPDATE THE CAT'S NAME!")[(set: $CAT to (uppercase: $cat))(set: $Cat to (upperfirst: $cat))(set: $hasCat to 1)(replace: ?NAME)[(show: ?TIV)](append: "you...")[ $Cat!]]]]] (link: "$Codename wants to get rid of the cat in a chaotic evil way.")[(replace: ?QIV)[$CODENAME //(talking evily to the cat)// And now, there's the matter of what to do with you, little kitty. $Codename walks slowly towards JayMan, arms slowly stretching to slowly and dramatically grab the cat. CUE SOUND of a choir of the damned singing some damned good evilish chant. JayMan suddenly pulls the cat away, breaking the mood. JAYMAN Hey! What are you doing? $CODENAME //(candid)// Grabbing the cat to sacrifice it to Hades, Ruler of the Underworld and King of the Deads. JAYMAN Oh, ok. Have fun. He gives the cat to $Codename and walks away. While he's talking, in the background, we see $Codename doing a satanic ritual while shouting random words in greek. ](set: $align to 1)(show: ?TIV)]]|TIV)[(if: $hasCat is 1)[$CAT Miaow! ]JAYMAN Great! Now, we have to find some way to make money, or we'll get kicked out of the lair by mister "Pay Your Rent, You Down And Out Loser".(if: $hasCat is 1)[ Plus, we have to find a way to feed stupid $Cat... maybe breastfeeding!?] (show: ?SII)] |SII)[(link: "SCENE 2")[SCENE 2. INSIDE JAYMAN'S SECRET LAIR. JayMan and $Codename are back to the lair. JayMan is pacing in the crappy one-room appartment. I mean... the very cool secret lair! He seems very anxious. (if: $hasCat is 1)[$Codename is petting $Cat. ](show: ?QV)]] |QV)[(link: "$Codename says nothing.")[(replace: ?QV)[$Codename stares silently at JayMan pacing around the place. JayMan seems to be more and more irritated by $Codename staring at him. JAYMAN //(bursting)// Well, don't just sit in silence, you creep. Say something! $CODENAME Well, if there's anything I can do to help-- JAYMAN You're not helping. Shut up! Let me think. $Codename shuts up, insulted(if: $hasCat is 1)[, and rage-pets $Cat].](show: ?TV)] (link: "$Codename wonders what JayMan is thinking.")[(replace: ?QV)[$CODENAME So, what's on your mind, buddy? JAYMAN I'm trying to figure a way to not get kicked out of the lair. Isn't it obvious? $CODENAME Well, how am I supposed to know that? I can't read in your mind! JAYMAN Yeah, I know, because I'm the one who has mind reading powers! $CODENAME Yeah right. Prove it! JAYMAN //(reading $Codename's mind)// You think I'm an idiot that doesn't have mind reading powers. $CODENAME Lucky guess!](set: $shut to 1)(show: ?TV)] (link: "$Codename wants to know what they're gonna do now.")[(replace: ?QV)[$CODENAME So, what are we gonna do now? JAYMAN What do you mean, "we"? I'm the one doing all the thinking and planning and plotting, here! $CODENAME Oh, yeah. Great plans. Like trying to pass a random stray cat to a rich woman to make a couple of bucks! (if: $hasCat is 1)[$CAT //(in approbation)// Miaow! ]JAYMAN At least, I'm trying to do stuff! I'm using my superior mind-thingy to keep us out of the gutter! $CODENAME //(sarcastic)// Yeah, you have so much street-smart! JAYMAN I sure do. Look outside, you'll see. My smart is brained all over the street! $CODENAME That makes no sense.](set: $shut to 1)(show: ?TV)]] |TV)[JAYMAN (if: $shut is 1)[Shut up! ]Now, we need money for the rent. And fast. According to my calculations, the rent is due sometime this month. $CODENAME You don't say. JAYMAN Yeah, I do say. Let's just hope I'm wrong. (show: ?QVI)] |QVI)[(link: "$Codename suggests an irrational solution.")[(replace: ?QVI)[$CODENAME Maybe we could start a career of street performance. Like, circus stuff, you know? Eating fire, swallowing swords, breathing snakes... juggling fiery snakes. (if: $hasCat is 1)[We could train $Cat to do some tricks, like backflips, or licking its ass while performing a front-paw stand.] JAYMAN //(unsure)// I don't know... $CODENAME And our name would be... Arctic Circus. JAYMAN //(sure)// That's a hard no. $CODENAME But-- JAYMAN This is hopeless.](show: ?TVI)] (link: "$Codename suggests a rational solution.")[(replace: ?QVI)[$CODENAME We could invest money in the stock market, you know? Some technobabble about buying and selling stock stuff quick to make quick money and stuff. You know, spend money to make money! JAYMAN Quit being so irrational. We need money to spend money to make money. Wait! Can we spend toilet paper to make money? But then, we still would need money to buy toilet paper. This is hopeless.](show: ?TVI)] (link: "$Codename suggests a solution so far-fetched, it will hurt your soul.")[(replace: ?QVI)[$CODENAME Maybe you could get a job. JAYMAN Wow. Where do you get those fucked up ideas!? $CODENAME Mostly drugs. JAYMAN Well, that's the most stupidest idea that has ever been stupided to me. I can't have a job. I'm too lazy. This is hopeless.](show: ?TVI)]] |TVI)[$CODENAME Speaking of hopeless, you know that life never closes a door without first opening a window? JAYMAN Meaning? $CODENAME Meaning, you should open a window. It stinks in here. JAYMAN Hey, I told you, I'm broke. I can't afford to clean the place. But yeah, good idea for the window. I might have an incoming message! JayMan opens the window. CUE SOUND of birds chirping. JAYMAN Oh yeah, there it is. //(to $Codename)// Watch out, we have an incoming message! $CODENAME What? $Codename gets closer to the window, only to be viciously attacked in the face by a pigeon flying straight into the lair. $CODENAME //(fighting the pigeon)// Get it off my face! Get it off my face! PIGEON //(with a pigeon voice)// Rouh, rouh. I rhave a merssage for ryou!(show: ?QVII)] |QVII)[(link: "$Codename is scared.")[(replace: ?QVII)[JAYMAN Quick, $Codename, grab my message! The pigeon tries to eat $Codename's face. $CODENAME //(curled up in fetal position)// AAAaaaaAAaaaaaAaAAAaaaaAAAaaAaaaaaAAAH! JAYMAN Wow, how did I got stuck with such a wimp!? Calmly, JayMan grabs the pigeon, removes the message tied to its leg, then throws the bird out the window. JAYMAN Now, you see? It's all over now. You can get up and stop crying like it's New Years eve. $Codename slowly gets up. $CODENAME //(suspicious)// Why do I have the feeling that you're about to do a cheap trick to make fun of me, like throwing a fake pigeon in my face? JAYMAN Cuz you're paranoid. Why would I throw a fake pigeon in your face... when I can throw the real one! JayMan fake throws a pigeon in $Codename's face. $Codename screams in terror. JAYMAN Ha. Sucker.](show: ?TVII)] (if: $hasCat is 1)[(link: "$Cat makes itself useful.")[(replace: ?QVII)[JAYMAN Quick. We've got to grab my message. $CAT //(confident)// Miaow! PIGEON //(to $Cat)// Fruck ryou! The pigeon flies all over the lair. $CAT //(whispering to JayMan)// Miaow miao miou, miaow miaow! JAYMAN All right! //(to the pigeon)// Hey, you, over here. PIGEON Rhou? JAYMAN Yeah, you, you unmannered filthy bag of manure! Over here! The pigeon flies towards JayMan's face. Coward, JayMan uses $Codename's face as a shield. $CODENAME AAAAAAaaAAaaaaaAAaaaaaah! In a flash, $Cat jumps from the desk and snatches the pigeon, right before it tears off $Codename's face. $CAT //(with the pigeon in its mouth)// Miaow. $CODENAME Good cat. $Cat eats the pigeon in a gulp, then spits out the message that was tied to its leg. The message is covered in blood. JAYMAN //(to $Codename)// Make yourself useful, pick that up! $CODENAME Why me? JAYMAN It's a sidekick job, duh! $CODENAME I hate you. $Codename picks up the bloody message and hands it to JayMan.](show: ?TVII)]](else:)[(link: "$Codename thinks about the cat.")[(replace: ?QVII)[JAYMAN Quick, we've got to catch my message! $CODENAME If only we had kept the cat, it would have catched that pigeon in a snap. JAYMAN (if: $align is 0)[Well, if you want to deny these orphans their dinner, suit you. Otherwise, you have a pigeon to catch!](if: $align is 1)[Too bad you had to satisfy your lust of blood, and sacrifice this poor thing to Kthulu! $CODENAME It was Hades. JAYMAN Yeah, I'm sure this nuance will help you catch that pigeon now!] $CODENAME Me? JAYMAN That's a sidekick job. $CODENAME God I hate you. $Codename unwillingly tries to catch the pigeon. $CODENAME //(to the pigeon)// Here, you flying flea market. PIGEON Fruck ryou! In a swift move, $Codename snatches the pigeon, takes the message tied to its leg, and throws the bird out the window. $CODENAME Go fruck ryourself! JayMan snatches the message from $Codename's hand.](show: ?TVII)]] (link: "$Codename is brave.")[(replace: ?QVII)[JAYMAN Quick, we've got to grab my message! $CODENAME Don't worry, I've got this under control. JAYMAN //(resigned)// Ok! JayMan sits at his desk, opens the computer, and begins to play MineCraft. The pigeon flies and lands on the side of the bed. $CODENAME //(to the pigeon)// Come here, you feathered poop bomber. PIGEON Fruck ryou! $CODENAME So that's how you want it! JAYMAN //(still playing MineCraft)// Hey, do you remember the recipe to craft a cart filled with TNT? $Codename jumps on the pigeon, but it flies away. $Codename's head hits the wall. $CODENAME Damn! JAYMAN Cart filled with TNT? Nothing? $CODENAME //(to the pigeon)// I'll get you! PIGEON Rouh! The pigeon lands on JayMan's head. $Codename grabs a plastic bag, and sneaks behind JayMan. PIGEON Rouh? JAYMAN //(to the pigeon)// No! With TNT! In a swift move, $Codename catches the pigeon (and JayMan's head) in the bag. $CODENAME Gotcha! PIGEON Rouh!! JAYMAN //(choking)// Really, $Codename, you're not helping. I've got a mine to craft. $Codename takes the message tied to the pigeon's leg, then throws the pigeon out the window. The pigeon, still in the bag, falls to its death. JayMan grabs the message in $Codename's hand.](show: ?TVII)]] |TVII)[$CODENAME I don't want to intrude in your private life, but why the fuck do you have your messages delivered by pigeon? JAYMAN Cuz it's cheaper than smoke signals, duh! JayMan unrolls the message. An hologram appears, showing a man in a pinstripe suit. HOLOGRAM Good whatever moment of the day you're watching this. Dear Mr. JayMan, we are proud to inform you that you have been selected to participate in an international math contest. Our own very advanced algorythms have identified you as the only person in all known universes to have the mathematical abilities to be a worthy opponent to CalculaThor, the red headed human that computes numbers at lightning speed. And you could be winning money big time! JAYMAN Nice! $CODENAME That can't be right. It smells like a trap. JAYMAN Really? //(he sniffs the hologram)// Because it smells like pigeon poop to me. $CODENAME //(with a facepalm)// I mean, something is wrong with that message. Why would they choose you for your math abilities? JAYMAN Because I'm a math genius. Isn't it obvious? $CODENAME Definitely not. JAYMAN Ok, well, go ahead. Test me!(show: ?QVIII)] |QVIII)[(link: "$Codename asks an easy math question.")[(replace: ?QVIII)[(set: $CI to (str: (random: 1,10)))(set: $CII to (str: (random: 1,10)))(set: $CIII to (str: (random: 1,10)))(set: $CIV to (str: (random: 1,10)))(set: $CV to (str: (random: 1,10)))(color: "green")[//Choose the first number : //] (dropdown: bind $NI, $CI, $CII, $CIII, $CIV, $CV) (color: "green")[//Choose the operation : //](dropdown: bind $V, "times", "minus", "plus", "divided by") (set: $CI to (str: (random: 1,10)))(set: $CII to (str: (random: 1,10)))(set: $CIII to (str: (random: 1,10)))(set: $CIV to (str: (random: 1,10)))(set: $CV to (str: (random: 1,10)))(color: "green")[//Choose the second number : //](dropdown: bind $NII, $CI, $CII, $CIII, $CIV, $CV) (link: "Math away!")[(set: $NI to (num: $NI))(set: $NII to (num: $NII))(if: $V is "times")[(set: $ANS to $NI * $NII)](else-if: $V is "minus")[(set: $ANS to $NI - $NII)](else-if: $V is "plus")[(set: $ANS to $NI + $NII)](else:)[(set: $ANS to $NI / $NII)](replace: ?QVIII)[$CODENAME Ok, smart guy. What's $NI $V $NII? JAYMAN //(instantly)// $ANS. $CODENAME Pff. That was too easy. JAYMAN Well, next time, pick a more difficult question!](show: ?TVIII)]]] (link: "$Codename asks a difficult math question.")[(replace: ?QVIII)[(set: $CI to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CII to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CIII to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CIV to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CV to (str: (random: 1,100)))(color: "green")[//Choose the operation : //](dropdown: bind $V, "logarithm", "cosinus", "square root", "Euler's number") (color: "green")[//Choose the number : //](dropdown: bind $NI, $CI, $CII, $CIII, $CIV, $CV) (link: "Math away!")[(set: $NI to (num: $NI))(if: $V is "logarithm")[(set: $ANS to (log: $NI))](else-if: $V is "cosinus")[(set: $ANS to (cos: $NI))](else-if: $V is "square root")[(set: $ANS to (sqrt: $NI))](else:)[(set: $ANS to (exp: $NI))(set: $V to "Euler's number to the power")](replace: ?QVIII)[$CODENAME Ok, let's see. What's the $V of $NI? JAYMAN //(instantly)// You kiddin' me? It's $ANS. $CODENAME Pff, lucky guess! JAYMAN Well, next time, choose a really challenging question!](show: ?TVIII)]]] (link: "$Codename asks an impossible math question.")[(replace: ?QVIII)[(color: "green")[//Choose the first operation : //](dropdown: bind $V, "logarithm base 2", "sinus", "square root", "tangent") (set: $CI to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CII to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CIII to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CIV to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CV to (str: (random: 1,100)))(color: "green")[//Choose the first number : //](dropdown: bind $NI, $CI, $CII, $CIII, $CIV, $CV) (set: $CI to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CII to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CIII to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CIV to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CV to (str: (random: 1,100)))(color: "green")[//Choose the second number : //](dropdown: bind $NII, $CI, $CII, $CIII, $CIV, $CV) (set: $CI to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CII to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CIII to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CIV to (str: (random: 1,100)))(set: $CV to (str: (random: 1,100)))(color: "green")[//Choose the third number : //](dropdown: bind $NIII, $CI, $CII, $CIII, $CIV, $CV) (link: "Math away!")[(set: $NI to (num: $NI))(set: $NII to (num: $NII))(set: $NIII to (num: $NIII))(set: $AII to $NII % $NIII)(if: $V is "logarithm base 2")[(set: $AI to (log2: $NI))](else-if: $V is "sinus")[(set: $AI to (sin: $NI))](else-if: $V is "square root")[(set: $AI to (sqrt: $NI))](else:)[(set: $AI to (tan: $NI))](set: $ANS to (pow: $AI, $AII))(replace: ?QVIII)[$CODENAME Ok. Here we go. What's the $V of $NI to the power of the modulo of $NII and $NIII? JayMan thinks about it for a second. JAYMAN That's about $ANS, give or take an imaginary number or two! $CODENAME Ah ha! It's not. JAYMAN It is. Except the imaginary numbers, I was clearly joking. $CODENAME Actually, I have no fucking idea what's the right answer... JAYMAN Well, next time, try maths that you can understand. Dumb ass.](show: ?TVIII)]]]] |TVIII)[$CODENAME At least, there's a slim chance of winning this thing. JAYMAN Then it's settled. //(leadershiply pointing forward)// To the Math Contest! $CODENAME You're pointing at the wardrobe. JAYMAN ... we need our coats, don't we? $Codename looks at the camera and sighs with a "What am I gonna do with this guy!" face. CUE unecessary cheap LAUGH TRACK. (show: ?SIII)] |SIII)[(link: "SCENE 3.")[(replace: ?SIII)[SCENE 3. IN FRONT OF A HIGH SCHOOL. JayMan and $Codename are standing in front of a High School. Over the main entrance are the words "High School". Kids are coming and going. JayMan has a "Bob the Builder" back pack on his back. JAYMAN Ah, High School. So many memories. See that swing set? It reminds me to buy margarine. $CODENAME //(not anxious, but clearly unsure of something)// Are you sure it's here? JAYMAN Yep. $CODENAME But how do you know? It said nothing about where to go in the message! JAYMAN Like all High Schools, this one has a gymnasium. And lockers. And an unsmiling lunch lady that perpetuates the stereotype of apathetic lunch ladies. But mostly, a gymnasium. And where are all Math Contests held?(show: ?QIX)]]] |QIX)[(link: "$Codename doesn't have a fucking clue.")[(replace: ?QIX)[$CODENAME I don't know. St-Petersbourg? JAYMAN Well, the 2021 International Mathematical Olympiad is, but besides that? In a High School gymnasium!](show: ?TIX)] (link: "$Codename guesses something.")[(replace: ?QIX)[$CODENAME A High School gymnasium? JAYMAN //(impressed)// That's exactly it! Well played, my friend.](show: ?TIX)] (link: "$Codename doesn't give a fuck.")[(replace: ?QIX)[$CODENAME //(playing Angry Birds)// Your mom's ass? JAYMAN Well, if by ass you mean, a High School Gymnasium, then you are right!](show: ?TIX)]] |TIX)[$CODENAME Your logic never ceases to amaze me. JAYMAN Get used to it! CalculaThor appears behind them. It's a small red headed kid, about 10 years old, with electronic flashing gizmos taped around his head, and braces, and acne. CALCULATHOR Excuse me, Sir? He pokes JayMan on his shoulder. JayMan turns around. JAYMAN //(startled)// Who are you? What do you want from me? Leave me alone. Who are you? CALCULATHOR //(proud)// I'm the soon to be Math Champion, CalculaThor. JAYMAN CalculaThor! My arch enemy. Prepare to battle! JayMan assumes a very ridiculous fighting stance called "the guy who has seen too many kung-fu movies for his own good". CALCULATHOR //(very polite)// Oh, I'm sorry, Sir. I don't want any trouble. Here, take my wallet. CalculaThor hands his wallet to JayMan. JAYMAN I don't want your wallet. I want revenge! $CODENAME Hmmm, JayMan, can I talk to you in private for a second? JAYMAN Yeah, sure, I guess. $CODENAME Great. //(to CalculaThor)// Excuse us for a second. They walk away from CalculaThor.(show: ?QX)] |QX)[(link: "$Codename wonders why JayMan has a beef with that kid.")[(replace: ?QX)[$CODENAME What is wrong with you? JAYMAN You'll have to be more precise. Because there are so many possible answers. $CODENAME Yeah, I get that. How can you have this kid as your arch enemy? JAYMAN Isn't it obvious? $CODENAME Obviously not. JAYMAN He looks like the bully that bullied the bull out of me in High School. $CODENAME So what? You're an adult. Grow up. JAYMAN That's what I did. I grew up. And now that I'm an adult, I can finally beat the crap out of this bully. $Codename takes a look at CalculaThor, whose acne is acneing all over the place. $CODENAME He doesn't look like a bully to me. JAYMAN Looks can be deceiving. //(to CalculaThor)// And now, it's time to make you drink your lunch money, punk!](show: ?TX)] (link: "$Codename thinks about the money.")[(replace: ?QX)[$CODENAME Yo, man, I mean... look at the size of that wallet. It seems to be filled up with a lot of money. You should take it. JAYMAN //(genuinely surprised)// What? $CODENAME You need that money. JAYMAN You're right, I need that money. But I will not enrich myself by stealing. $CODENAME Technically, it's not stealing if he gives it to you. JAYMAN Your lack of morals fills my heart with untold happiness, but now is not the time to enrich ourselves. //(to CalculaThor)// It's time to kick bubblegum and chew some ass. And I'm all out of ass!... Wait.](show: ?TX)] (link: "$Codename doesn't trust that kid.")[(replace: ?QX)[$CODENAME Man, I don't trust that kid. He looks shady. They look at CalculaThor, picking his nose while drinking an apple juice box. JAYMAN Yeah, I hear you. My spicy senses are dangling all over the place. How do we know it's not an orang-outang posing as a child? $CODENAME I have an idea. JAYMAN It better be better than mine, cuz I have none. $CODENAME //(to CalculaThor)// Yo, young man. How do we know that you're the real CalculaThor? CALCULATHOR Heurm... I have electronic gizmos taped on my head. They prove that I can compute numbers at lightning speed. $CODENAME Nope. All they prove is how bad you suck at arts and crafts. What were you going for? The "incarnation of human's darkest nightmare fuel" in cosplay? CALCULATHOR //(starting to cry)// Hey, I put a lot of time in that. And I didn't even asked help from my momma. JAYMAN //(to $Codename)// Wow, that was cold. $CODENAME //(to JayMan)// Well, now we know for sure he's a real kid. Not a bad guy. Just a baby. A cry baby. //(to CalculaThor)// Aren't you, cry baby?](show: ?TX)]] |TX)[CALCULATHOR //(genuinely confused)// Look, guys, I have absolutely no idea what you're doing. All I want, is to find a guy named JayMan. JAYMAN I am JayMan. Prepare to die! CALCULATHOR //(so very confused)// Well, mister JayMan sir, I was hoping we could have a private, civilised conversation. I have a lucrative proposition to make. JAYMAN No way, I'm not falling for this obvious trap. Your jedi mindfullness tricks won't work on me. $CODENAME Come on, we should at least hear what he has to say. JAYMAN All right. But if it's a trap and he takes control of the world, and turns us all into rabbits, it will be on your conscience. For as much as a rabbit can have on its conscience... do rabbits even have a conscience? I mean, last time I stared into a rabbit's eyes, all I saw was a reflection of my own finitude. It was red. Anyways. //(to CalculaThor)// Go ahead, tell me what you want of me. But remember! I have my eye on you. My soon to be red rabbit eye! CalculaThor gets closer to JayMan and $Codename, making sure that no one around can hear them (although there's already no one around!). CALCULATHOR Here's the deal. You lose the competition on purpose. I win. I give you all the money, and I keep all the glory. JAYMAN It's a dea--(show: ?QXI)] |QXI)[(link: "$Codename wonders why he needs JayMan to take a fall.")[(replace: ?QXI)[$CODENAME Wait! Quick question. If you're that great a mathematician, why do you need JayMan to take a fall? CALCULATHOR Me? I... heurm... that's because my math teacher is dying of... deathritis. Yes. That's what it is. $CODENAME Mmmkay. But what does it have to do with JayMan loosing on purpose? CALCULATHOR It... heurf... hey, look, the contest is about to begin. JAYMAN //(looking at his watch)// Nah-han. It starts in approximately 3 hours and 28 minutes. And... 36 seconds. No. 35. No. 34. No. 33. While JayMan keeps counting down the seconds, $Codename speaks straight into CalculaThor's face, with severity. And a bad breath.](show: ?TXI)] (link: "$Codename hints that JayMan might not make it to the finals.")[(replace: ?QXI)[$CODENAME Wait! Quick question. You seem pretty sure that JayMan's gonna make it to the final round. CALCULATHOR //(trying to divert the question)// That's not a question. That's a statement. Big difference. Huge. $CODENAME You know what I meant. What happens if JayMan doesn't make it to the final? JAYMAN I have to make it to the finals!? CALCULATHOR Well, that's not a problem. Really. He'll make it to the final round. JAYMAN Cuz I'm a maths-whizz! CALCULATHOR Heurm... yeah, sure. That. And the fact that all the other contestants have suffered seemingly unrelated accidents that could never be traced to me in any way whatsoever. JAYMAN Yep. A very lucky maths-whizz. $Codename speaks straight into CalculaThor's face, with severity. And a bad breath.](show: ?TXI)] (link: "$Codename strongly opposes any form of cheating.")[(replace: ?QXI)[$CODENAME Wait. Isn't that cheating? CALCULATHOR What? No! Pff. Everybody does it all the time. Ain't that right, JayMan? JAYMAN //(trying to look cool under peer pressure)// Well... I guess North Korea did it at the 1991 International Mathematical Olympiad. And also in 2010. CALCULATHOR And, technically, it's the only times they got caught. For all we know, they've been doing it every year. JAYMAN Well, if North Korea does it, I can see no harm of doing it ourselves. $CODENAME But it's cheating. Cheating is bad. JAYMAN North Korea. $CODENAME Yeah, but chea-- JAYMAN and CALCULATHOR North. Korea! $Codename speaks straight into CalculaThor's face, with severity. And a bad breath.](show: ?TXI)]] |TXI)[$CODENAME That's all very suspicious. I'll be having my eyes on you. CALCULATHOR Everything's gonna be fine. My plan is flawless. $CODENAME What plan? CALCULATHOR //(caught off guard)// My... game plan. Like, write with my right hand since I'm right-handed and the right hand is connected to the left brain, which is the part of the brain used for abstract thinking, as in maths, and devising evil plans and stuff... Not that I'm planning on any evil stuff, hihi... I'll be on my way. He waves at some random kid and quickly walks away. JAYMAN I'm gonna take a nap before the contest. JayMan lays down right where they are, in the middle of the sidewalk, and falls asleep. $CODENAME //(looking at CalculaThor walk away)// I don't trust that kid. RANDOM ADULT PASSING BY Well, he's a 10 years old kid. I bet he can't even make his bed by himself. I don't see why anyone would trust him! (show: ?SIV)] |SIV)[(link: "SCENE 4.")[(replace: ?SIV)[SCENE 4. INSIDE THE SCHOOL'S GYMNASIUM. The school's gymnasium has been arranged like a game show. There's a big game show background on which is written (color: "yellow")[**MATHADORIUM**] in bold, colorful letters. There are three contestant podiums, but only the first two are used, by JayMan and CalculaThor. There's absolutely no one in the bleachers. CUE GAME SHOW MUSIC. Mathew, the ultra pompuous game show host, enters, dancing to the music. MATHEW //(talking straight to the camera)// Hello everyone, and welcome to the Mathadorium, the biggest math contest in town. I'm Mathew Showsego, but just call me Math. SHOT of $Codename in the back, with a technician. It reveals that there's no camera, and Mathew is talking to nothing and no one. $CODENAME Who the hell is he talking to? There are no cameras! TECHNICIAN Yeah, well, he doesn't know that. MATHEW //(still talking to the imaginary camera)// So here's the gewd news. Almost all the contestants died on their way to the "here and now", so we jump straight to the final round with the only two ones to have made it here! Isn't that exciting? Mathew pauses to allow the non-existent crowd to cheer. MATHEW All right. Our first contestant is a red headed 10 years-old human kid that computes numbers at the speed of lightning. Please welcome CaaaaaaaaaalculaThor! CALCULATHOR //(humble)// Thank you. Thank you. MATHEW And our second contestant is some kind of random idiot who got lost in the bathroom. JAYMAN Hey, I'm not random! MATHEW Let's begin this final, shall we? CALCULATHOR We sure should shall! JAYMAN That's it, you're going down. JayMan bum-rushes CalculaThor.(show: ?QXII)]]] |QXII)[(link: "$Codename intervenes.")[(replace: ?QXII)[$Codename jumps between JayMan and CalculaThor. $CODENAME Woah, JayMan. What's wrong with you? You're not gonna punch a 10 years-old kid in the face, are you? JAYMAN What!? Are you crazy? I'll punch him in the stomach. It leaves no traces. $CODENAME Wow. You would have been a fine bully in High School. JAYMAN Yeah. And I would have had everybody call me Theodore von Punchinthebelly the Third.](show: ?TXII)] (link: "$Codename does nothing.")[(replace: ?QXII)[He grabs CalculaThor by the collar. He stops, then looks at $Codename. JAYMAN So? $CODENAME //(arms crossed)// So what? JAYMAN Well, aren't you gonna do something about this? $CODENAME //(arms crossier)// Nah. JAYMAN You're gonna let me punch a 10 years-old kid in the face? $CODENAME //(with the crossiest arms you'll ever see)// Looks like it. A floating moment. JAYMAN //(sour)// Well I'm not doing it! He releases CalculaThor, who breathes in relief. JAYMAN //(to CalculaThor)// Sorry, buddy. I was gonna hit you, but $Codename killed the mood.](show: ?TXII)] (link: "$Codename eggs on JayMan.")[(replace: ?QXII)[He grabs CalculaThor by the collar. $CODENAME //(shouting)// Yeah, dude. Come on. Kick his sorry little ass. JAYMAN Right on! $CODENAME //(shouting with more shout)// Show that kid that the thirty-seven years old adult is the boss! JAYMAN //(to CalculaThor)// I'm stronger than you! Mathew jumps between JayMan and CalculaThor, and separates them quickly. MATHEW What the heck is wrong with you? JAYMAN //(to CalculaThor)// Answer the man! MATHEW I'm talking to you, JayMan. JAYMAN //(genuinely surprised)// What? MATHEW And to you to, $Codename. You two should be ashamed of your behavior. This is a math contest. We are here to challenge ourselves to the top of our mental abilities, not to fight. In a battle, there are no winners. In a math contest, there's only one winner, who then has the privilege to rub it in everybody's faces in order to ruin their sense of self-worth. That's the spirit of maths : silently destroying everyone around you in peace. JayMan and $Codename look down at their feet. $CODENAME Sorry, sir. JAYMAN Yeah, sorry, CalculaThor.](show: ?TXII)]] |TXII)[MATHEW Great. Now that this is over, let's get down to business. We have a math contest to finish. JAYMAN Yeah, let's do this. MATHEW Here's your question. The first one to find the answer will be crowned the winner. Although we don't have a crown. It's a trophy. So, I guess the winner will be trophied. CALCULATHOR And the loser will be atrophied. Just like its ego! Mouahahahahahaha! MATHEW Sure, why not. Anyways, here's the question. Let "ABCD" be a fixed convex quadrilateral with BC=DA and BC not parallel with DA. Let two variable points E and F lie of the sides BC and DA, respectively, and satisfy BE=DF. The lines AC and BD meet at P, the lines BD and EF meet at Q, the lines EF and AC meet at R. Prove that the circumcircles of the triangles PQR, as E and F vary, have a common point other than P. Puzzled, JayMan looks at CalculaThor who's looking back at him with an even puzzlier face. (show: ?SV)] |SV)[(link: "SCENE 5.")[(replace: ?SV)[SCENE 5. OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL'S GYMNASIUM. JayMan, $Codename and CalculaThor are walking out the gymnasium. A very short amount of time happened between the moment they've been asked the question and the moment they got out (this is made obvious by the fact that the screen just made a flip transition from one scene to the other). JAYMAN Too bad both of us have been disqualified for "not knowing the answer". CalculaThor is crying. $CODENAME That sure was a tough question. JAYMAN Yeah, like anyone would ever find the answer to that! That contest was rigged to have me failed. $Codename realises that CalculaThor is crying. $CODENAME Don't worry, buddy. You can always try next year. CALCULATHOR No, I can't. You have to be 10 years old or less to participate in those contests. JAYMAN Except when you're a math genius like me. Then age doesn't count! CALCULATHOR You don't get it, do you? I killed all the other contestants, then hacked inside the contest's database to have you, JayMan, participate to the contest, because you suck so much at everything, I was sure you'd loose, and then I'd win. JAYMAN Too bad I don't suck at math, amirite? $CODENAME Yeah, JayMan. You sure showed us how it's done up there! JAYMAN Sorry if geometry isn't my forte! CALCULATHOR //(crying very loud)// Now, my plan failed. And I didn't win. And my father won't be proud of me! JAYMAN I bet. You failed at math, and you failed at being evil. That's a double fail, and in this case, two negatives won't make a positive. Loser! CalculaThor cries even more.(show: ?QXIII)]]] |QXIII)[(link: "$Codename walks away.")[(replace: ?QXIII)[Without a single word, $Codename walks away, while CalculaThor is still crying. JAYMAN What are you doing? $CODENAME Well, he's no good for us anymore, is he? JAYMAN But he's crying. $CODENAME So? JAYMAN If we comfort him, he'll feel good about us, and give us money. $CODENAME You really think that? JAYMAN Oh, yeah. Money is the absolute best way to show that you love someone. //(to CalculaThor)// Ain't that right, Calky? CALCULATHOR //(weeping)// Please, don't infantilize me. JAYMAN //(sarcastic)// Sorry for treating a 10 years old kid like a 10 years old kid. Won't happen again. Loser. $CODENAME //(also sarcastic)// Wow, JayMan, you sure got the twist to make people love you. A big, rich, mansionny car pulls up besides them. Marilyn Mansion is driving, and Charles Mansion is passenging. CALCULATHOR Mom. Dad. CHARLES MANSION Son. How did it go? $CODENAME He lost. CalculaThor gets in the car. MARILYN MANSION What a loser. JAYMAN But we were there to give him emotional support, so you owe us a fuck load of money. MARILYN MANSION We'll buy him a support dog, or ferret, or drug dealer. It's cheaper, and surely won't be as idiotic as you are. She badassely puts on badass sunglasses. MARILYN MANSION Let's roll. She puts the pedal to the metal. The car leaves slowly, because it's an electrical car. JAYMAN //(screaming at the car)// You fucking old bastard. We are kind people! Kindness has a price, you fucking pieces of overdue farts! Pay us! As the car drives away, and Jayman screams at it, and $Codename silently walks away in despair, we hear the NARRATOR.](show: ?END)] (link: "$Codename saves CalculaThor's feelings.")[(replace: ?QXIII)[JAYMAN //(dancing around CalculaThor)// Loser, loser, nananan-loser! $CODENAME JayMan, wait a minute. //(to CalculaThor)// Look, kid. I have an idea. You seem to have a lot of money, right? CALCULATHOR Yeah, I'm pretty damn rich already. $CODENAME Well, we need money! So here's the deal. You give us a bunch of it, and we'll tell your dad that you won. CALCULATHOR Really? You'd do that? JAYMAN Oh, yeah, sure. As long as we get the money! CALCULATHOR But what about the people I killed? JAYMAN Give us even more money, and I'll tell your Dad about all your evil mischief. CALCULATHOR What? No! I don't want him to know I'm a murderer. JAYMAN Man, what a diva. Look. Give us a fuck load of money, and tell us what to tell your dad, and we'll tell him, ok? CalculaThor jumps in JayMan's arms and hugs him hard. CALCULATHOR Thank you. Thank you so much! JAYMAN //(to $Codename)// Please take it off me! A big, rich, mansionny car pulls up besides them. Marilyn Mansion is driving, and Charles Mansion is passenging. CALCULATHOR Mom. Dad! I won! CalculaThor gets in the car. CHARLES MANSION Is that true? You're not lying? JAYMAN He's not. He won, fair and square, and without having to resort to murdering all the contestants and rigging the contest and offering me money to lose on purpose! JayMan gives CalculaThor the most obvious wink. CHARLES MANSION Well, son, I'm so very proud of you. MARILYN MANSION Oh, come on. Can we go, now? CHARLES MANSION You're the one driving, my dear. MARILYN MANSION You got that right. She badassely puts badass sunglasses. MARILYN MANSION Let's roll! She puts the pedal to the metal. The car leaves slowly, because it's an electric car. JAYMAN //(dusting his hands in pleasure)// That's a job well done. $CODENAME ... you didn't get the money. A floating moment. JAYMAN Oh! That little, evil bastard! //(running after the car)// Come back here and give me my money, you little piece of shit! While JayMan is chasing the car, we hear a NARRATOR.](show: ?END)] (link: "$Codename wants the money.")[(replace: ?QXIII)[$Codename kneels down to CalculaThor's height. $CODENAME So, about that money you promised? CALCULATHOR I said I would give the prize money if I won. I didn't win, so tough luck for you guys. $CODENAME Listen, you little punk. We need that money. Bad. So you'll give it to us, or we'll take it from you. JAYMAN Damn, $Codename. You're so sexy when you get all amoral and shit. A big, rich, mansionny car pulls up besides them. Marilyn Mansion is driving, and Charles Mansion is passenging. CALCULATHOR Mom. Dad. CHARLES MANSION Hey, son! In a flash, $Codename grabs CalculaThor. $CODENAME Yo, rich guy. We've taken your son hostage. If you ever want to see him again, give us like... a fuck load of money. CHARLES MANSION What? No! Not our beloved son. MARILYN MANSION Ah, for Christ's sake. //(to JayMan)// Did he win the contest? JAYMAN Heurm... no. MARILYN MANSION Well, fuck that shit. You can keep him. CHARLES MANSION What? Marilyn Mansion badassely puts on badass sunglasses. MARILYN MANSION Get over it. We'll buy another one. Let's roll. She puts the pedal to the metal. As the car leaves slowly (because it's an electric car), CalculaThor restarts to cry. JAYMAN Well, $Codename, I hope you're happy. Now we have a kid, and less money than ever. (if: $hasCat is 1)[And a cat to feed. $CODENAME We can feed the kid to the cat. Or vice-versa. JAYMAN //(a little bit excited)// Ouh, you're so mean. I like that!] $CODENAME I've got an idea. //(to CalculaThor)// Yo, kiddo. Your parents stopped at the end to the street. Run fast if you want to catch them. CALCULATHOR Really!? Great! //(running away)// Thank you guys, I'll never forget you! JAYMAN Funny, I don't see his parents' car. $CODENAME Cuz they're not there. But at least, I got rid of the brat! JAYMAN //(excited)// Ouuuuuuuh. So mean! $CODENAME Yeah. Now let's get the fuck out of here before he catches what's going on! As JayMan and $Codename walk away as fast as they can before CalculaThor realises he's been made, we hear the NARRATOR.](show: ?END)]] |END)[NARRATOR And this is how JayMan and his loyal sidekick $Codename ended up poorer than ever. (link: "--THE END--")[(goto: "Universe")]]

=><= <h1 style="font-size:30px;">JAYMAN'S UNIVERSE</h1> <h1 style="font-size:20px;">created by JAYMAN</h1> (color: "green")[^^(cellphone optimised)^^] <== |start>[](if: $codename is 0)[(replace: ?start)[(display: "codename")]](else:)[(replace: ?start)[(display: "home")]]

(color: "green")[In order to access my "Wannabe Super-Hero Universe", you need to provide your own CODENAME!] //^^Your Codename is the name of your character. It's only used in the scripts. Since the site doesn't use any cookies, it's stored nowhere. It's just for funsies!^^// {<input type="text" data-varname="codename"> <script>processInputElements();</script>} (link: "PROCEED TO THE UNIVERSE")[\ (if: $codename is 0)[(goto: "Universe")]\ (else:)[(set: $CODENAME to (uppercase: $codename))(set: $Codename to (upperfirst: $codename))(replace: ?start)[(display: "home")]]]

Hey there, $Codename. Thanks for taking the time to proofread my new episode. Whenever you find a typo, just take a screenshot, then send it to me by (link-repeat: "Messenger")[(open-url: "m.me/jayman.humoriste")] or email at (colour: purple)[jayman@groupecingle.com]. If you want your CODENAME to appear in the credits, just let me know! Thanks. All you have to do now, is click here => (link: "EPISODE 3 : CALCULATHOR")[(goto: "calculathor")]!